Power Rankings: Week 9

Cubs Mascot Dong 67 39 2 .630
Orbit’s Woody 63 42 3 .597 3.5
Big Bears Budder Brigade 56 46 6 .546 9
Flare Up Your Jung Ho 47 56 5 .458 18.5
Carpenter Bruce Kershawing 41 60 7 .412 23.5
Marvin’s Room 56 45 7 .551
Dobis PR 55 49 4 .528 2.5
Team Sabermetrics 49 53 6 .481 7.5
The Fighting Moles 45 57 6 .444 11.5
Minnesota Twaints 35 67 6 .352 21.5

10. Minnesota Twaints (35-67-6 – 5th WEST)

Last Week: 10 (L 1-10-1 Marvin’s Room)

The Twaints are officially on Huxhold watch. Let it be known that I have received cryptic texts implying Tim’s intention to strap on a bomb vest and blow up the league. I have also been instructed to tell you that Tim would like to start incorporating participation medals to encourage those teams who fall behind to keep trying. In my view, there are currently 9 teams within 15 games of a playoff spot and I find that to be a beautiful thing. Here’s some incentive: If Tom can pull the Twaints out of this nosedive, I will personally fund the making of a short film starring Denzel Washington landing a plane upside down on cocaine to properly tribute the improbability of this feat.

If you have received a ridiculously one sided, borderline disrespectful to your brain trade offer from the Minnesota Twaints, stand up. You are not alone. Seriously though, you’re not going to want to miss this circus for the next 11 weeks. To that, I am currently working on a contract for a What Tim Hates About You column coming to bcgfantasysports.com very soon.

9. Carpenter Bruce Kershawing (41-60-7 – 5th EAST)

Last Week: 9 (W 9-3 The Fighting Moles)

Welcome to respectability, Carpenter Bruce! Peter is now down to 4 closers and an 8th inning guy. And…Marco Estrada! If you had Marco Estrada no hitting the Red Sox into the 8th inning then you’re either a fucking liar or you can go back to the future where you came from before I swing on you.

Unbelievable week from Team Wasky. I’d even call it a statement decision from the East division. Very impressed with what I’ve seen lately from Carpenter Bruce. Keep being you Clayton Kershaw, you beautiful bastard. Only going up from here.

8. The Fighting Moles (45-57-6 – 4th WEST)

Last Week: 7 (L 3-9 Carpenter Bruce Kershawing)

Although much closer than the final score would indicate, the Moles lost another week by a painfully large margin. This time however, pitching was the letdown. I’ve been wondering when a staff missing an ace next to Syndergaard would show its colors. Giancarlo continues to labor, Cespedes isn’t 100% healthy. There’s a lot going wrong here right now. That said, maybe the week after a big offensive resurgence, even in a losing effort, isn’t the best time to shake things up. If The Fighting Moles was a name for a kind of skin cancer and not a symbolic term for resilience, I might be worried. A gif for your troubles. Thor.gif

7. Flare Up Your Jung Ho (47-56-5 – 4th EAST)

Last Week: 8 (L 5-7 Cubs Mascot Dong)

27 Home Runs… was that really necessary? Didn’t want to save a few, Mookie? We have a new King of Ding, just 3 weeks after Bower claimed the Title. It’s too bad the pitching collapsed. By pitching I mean James Shields. By collapsed I mean throwing underhand in route to 10 earned runs in a little over 2 innings. Tell me if I’m being irrational here but in my heart I truly believe I could junk my way through 3 innings and give up 9 runs or less most nights. Okay, maybe the gravity ball wouldn’t play so well in Coors Field but you get my point I think.

Aaron Nola and Steven Matz are like the 5th grade neighbor that grew up to be really hot. They are young and bordering on ace status already. Keeper value is in play with both. Flare Up Your Jung Ho does sound like a province in North Korea and every week, I feel like I’m writing trade propaganda for this team. Longo..Trumbo..Upton(kind of).. dare I say.. Arenado? YOUR BATS WILL NEVER BE SEXIER, STEVE.

6. Team Sabermetrics (49-53-6 – 3rd WEST)

Last Week: 3 (L 2-9-1 Dobis PR)

I am a humbled man after last week’s dismantling. After going down something like 6 home runs on Monday, I felt like Liam Neeson in Taken, only without the particular set of skills to do anything about my daughter’s promising career in the sex slave industry. We are now entering prime trade season and boy, am I in heat. Although I consider myself a patient man, my pride will only allow me a few more down weeks before I start putting signs up around my neighborhood looking for offense.

5. Big Bears Budder Brigade (56-46-6 – 3rd EAST)

Last Week: 4 (L 5-7 Orbit’s Woody)

Not much you can do about Bower’s last week offensively. Especially now that Bryce Harper has officially joined us on Earth. Could this be the window for a drunk trade opportunity? If I catch Falvey out for a couple this week, better believe I’m coming with a picnic spread and enough honey to at least make Big Bear think a little bit.

Can’t say enough how impressive this rotation has been at the top. Combined with a strong team power trait, Budder Brigade has 10-2 vintage Malvey KO potential. When the bats turn around, there isn’t a RadioShack in Indianapolis that could keep Big Bear from ravaging its CD collection. Until then, we’re now a cold week away from BBBB’s 4 seed being put in jeopardy. Might be time to flash the Chris Carter signal in the sky and see what happens.


4. Dobis PR (55-49-4 – 2nd WEST)

Last Week: 6 (W 9-2-1 Team Sabermetrics)

What a longgg, strange trip it’s been. Drake would be proud of this feel good rise to the top. Huge week last week solidifies Dobis as a prime player in this week’s rankings. If you told me before last week I was going to lose Quality Starts and Wins with Chris Sale contributing nothing to those categories I might have laughed and said, “Right, and Adam Duvall is going to hit 5 home runs (crying face emoji)….”. Well, that happened. That along with Nelson Cruz’s annual purge of anything wearing white with red seams has Dobis in view of the leaderboard.

I’d be remiss not to mention the two players highlighting the Haverford All Stars All Underrated Team – Neil Walker and Daniel Murphy. Neil Walker had 16 HR’s last year. He’s about to pass that total two months in. Daniel Murphy was drafted in the 13th round and is poised to win the NL batting title. And yet I still confuse the two constantly. Go figure.

3. Marvin’s Room (56-45-7 – 1st WEST)

Last Week: 5 (W 10-1-1 Minnesota Twaints)

The third team to hold the throne in the West, an all time record for parity in this division. Nice to see someone with a record somewhat resembling a 2 seed. This is thanks to a 10-1 people’s elbow administered to the Minnesota Twaints in a matchup that was all but over by Tuesday. I can’t wait to go back and get a handle on the true statistical effect of the Goldy deal. For now, we are looking at a team that has gone 26-8-1 over its last 3 weeks. 17 tater tots isn’t replicable week to week but you have to respect the nuclear weapon that is Carlos Gonzalez in Coors Field. Is Trea Turner the real thing or just a booty call until Danny Espinosa actually turns into a pumpkin? Stay tuned.

2. Orbit’s Woody (63-42-3 – 2nd EAST)

Last Week: 2 (W 7-5 Big Bears Budder Brigade)

COREY SEAGER HAS 7 BOMBS IN HIS LAST 11 GAMES. Seager is a top 5 shortstop today. Right now. He just turned 22. Greinke has been lights out since the change of scenery. Keuchel finally put together back to back quality starts. The beauty of this team is its low floor. You’ll be lucky to catch Orbit’s Woody on a week hitting under .270 collectively. I have done a study that shows the mean batting average for a championship level fantasy offense is about .272. Bower comes in right now at .285… AND Kevin has a girlfriend now. Who would have ever guessed that of the six Pius kids in this league, all of them are either in a facebook relationship, engaged, married, or wrecking tinder. Hannah will make a nice addition to our family.

1. Cubs Mascot Dong (67-39-2 – 1st EAST)

Last Week: 1 ( W 7-5 Flare Up Your Jung Ho)

I’d have to check but I would guess playing a team that hits 27 home runs doesn’t usually result in a matchup win. The lesson being CMD isn’t going to lose when Jose Fernandez has a 2 start week. I learned the hard way in Week 6. He’s no longer giving away free passes and leads all starters with a strikeout rate better than most closers. I’m calling Bob’s bluff to trade him for “an arm and a bat” right now. Unless he means a real arm. Credit Bibby for piecing together dependable underrated arms to rack up Quality Starts around Jose. A lesser matchup and Cubs Mascot Dong takes 10 categories instead of 7. Another week goes by and I get closer to getting on my knees.

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