Power Rankings: Week 5

EAST
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Orbit’s Woody 39 18 3 .675
Cubs Mascot Dong 37 21 2 .633 2.5
Big Bears Budder Brigade 32 25 3 .558 7
Flare Up Your Jung Ho 25 32 3 .442 14
Team W 16 40 4 .300 22.5
WEST
TEAM W L T PCT GB
The Fighting Moles 34 22 4 .600
Team Sabermetrics 31 25 4 .550 3
Marvin’s Room 26 29 5 .475 7.5
Dobis PR 23 36 1 .392 12.5
Minnesota Twaints 21 36 3 .375 13.5

1. Orbit’s Woody

Record: 39-18-3 (1st EAST)

Previous Rank: 1 (Last Week: 6-5-1 Budder Brigade)

Jose Altuve is slugging .650. For reference, Bryce Harper hit 42 home runs last year with a lower slugging percentage. Jose Altuve is 5’6 with a career high of 15 home runs. The Skip Bayless in me is starting to get nervous about the next wave of steroid reports. The man is also winning the stolen base category by himself. If we redrafted today there’s an argument to be made for Altuve in the first 3 picks. Christian Yelich and Jonathan Lucroy both hit power surges last week to carry an offense without the help of its top outfielder, JD Martinez (1-22). The best news for team boner? 75 K’s and 8 QS without much help from Archer and Keuchel. Guess who won 2 games last week with a 1.84 ERA and 12 strikeouts…
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2. The Fighting Moles

Record: 34-22-4 (1st WEST)

Previous Rank: 3 (Last Week: 5-6-1 Marvin’s Room)

A loss in last week’s matchup doesn’t keep me from moving the Moles up into the 2 spot. The production says this is a top 5 offense and a top 5 pitching staff. I see some regression coming with the starting pitching but that may be in part because they’ve been so good. Losing Dee Gordon hasn’t hit yet. It will. That in mind, if that Goldschmidt rape goes through last week the Moles would have enacted genocide on the entire Western Conference. I’m Hillary Clinton and I approve this veto.

3. Cubs Mascot Dong

Record: 37-21-2 (2nd EAST)

Previous Rank: 2 (Last Week: 7-5 Flare Up Your Byung Ho)

This is a case of good matchups masking a downward trend in production. Even with the addition of Andrew McCutcheon, CMD has had consecutive weeks with single digits in home runs and has underwhelmed in runs and rbi’s. The high average suggests it’s possible we may just be seeing the bottom of the curve but it does take some shine off the overall record. This wouldn’t be as concerning if it weren’t for a pitching staff struggling to make up for the loss of Jake Arrieta. No reason to panic. Though, a few more weeks of underwhelming results and I would expect Bobfather to start sniffing around for a third top tier arm.

4. Big Bears Budder Brigade

Record: 32-25-3 (3rd EAST)

Previous Rank: 5 (Last Week: 5-6-1 Orbit’s Woody)

I Can’t Believe It’s Budder Fact of the Day: There are no bears native to the continent of Australia. I know what you’re thinking Tim but guess again, a koala bear is a marsoupial ya dingus. That leaves Matt Malvey in the Outback looking down at the rest of the food chain. No surprise then that Big Bears Budder Brigade is the scariest team in the league right now. The offense is near the top in almost every statistical category and the rotation consists of 3 top flight starters in Bumgarner, Cueto and Arrieta. Only Marvin has made more moves than the Budder Brigade so it may just be a matter of time before Falvey hits on a few back of the rotation starters and elevates to true contender status. Keep an eye on whether Bryce Harper ever gets a pitch to hit again.

5. Team Sabermetrics

Record: 31-25-4 (2nd WEST)

Previous Rank: 4 (Last Week: 5-5-2 Team W)

Since In Mauer We Trust began recording statistics in 2015, 72 RBI’s is the highest one week total in league history. And yet I settled for 5-5-2 with the worst team record wise in the league. How? Because Hanley Ramirez stole a base at the end of the last game Sunday and Wask had 2 wins blown by bullpens. I should have lost. Side note: Kenta went into Rogers Centre and shut down the Blue Jays. Yu Darvish hit 97 in his last rehab start and has yet to give up a run. The Red Sun rises in the West.

6. Marvin’s Room

Record: 26-29-5 (3rd WEST)

Previous Rank: 6 (Last Week: 6-5-1 Fighting Moles)

Slowed down the division leading Moles behind the expected stellar pitching week. Garrett Richards went from fatigued to Tommy John surgery in a matter of days. Tough blow. Lance McCullers’ return helps mend the loss. Byung Ho Park has found a home in Marvin’s Room. Nice story there. Only 4 players have hit a baseball farther than Korean Bryce Harper this year. Not so fun fact: Marve is 1-9 in offensive categories over the last two weeks.

7. Flare Up Your Jung Ho

Record: 25-32-5 (4th EAST)

Previous Rank: 7 (Last Week: 5-7 Cubs Mascot Dong)

2016 has been a year of changes for our friend Officer Stove Commiskey. Not only has Purdle renounced his faith in the Butter gods, we just haven’t seen the fire we’re used to seeing from a man of Steve’s convictions. You’re telling me Hillary Clinton is about to be president and we can’t get a single rant?  Bruce Jenner is using the girl’s bathroom.. What more is it going to take? I would be a little more worried if I didn’t think by this time next year Purdle will have banged every girl in fountain square ages 18-45. Maybe it’s just me going through withdrawals in the post BlueIndy era. Anyway, if Carlos Gomez and Justin Upton don’t turn it around soon I’d like to see King Purd make a move for an upgrade, the pieces are there for a big fish. Still waiting for Jacob Degrom to look like the ace we expect. Fastball velocity is down from Elite to Above Average in April. Truth is, there are better teams in this division right now.

8. Minnesota Twaints

Record: 21-36-3 (5th WEST)

Previous Rank: 8 (Last Week: 3-9 Dobis PR)

Predictably the Twaints are still struggling to win offensive categories, sitting near or at the bottom of the league in Runs Scored, Home Runs and RBI’s. Pitching is the clear strength. Problem is, while Tim does sit at the top of several key categories (Ks,QS) – there isn’t enough separation from the rest of the pack for that edge to show up on the scoreboard week to week. Joe Mauer is the man, we all know this. Just not in fantasy. I would be disappointed if Tim has yet to take some of that arm talent and put it in front of Witchger for Goldschmidt.

9. Dobis PR

Record: 23-36-1 (4th WEST)

Previous Rank: 9 (Last Week: 9-3 Minnesota Twaints)

Jon Snow wasn’t the only one who woke up from the dead Sunday… Prizza Party at the Dobis offices all week! A big weekend push slingshots Peter Francis past the Twaints in the West standings. You knew a good week had to happen eventually. As for power rankings, there isn’t enough there yet to jump over Tim and his stable of arms. Matt Harvey’s first dominant start of the season is a good sign of things to come. Maybe you just need to see the Padres to get things going. Joining Tim at the bottom of most significant offensive categories, there are enough sleeping bats here to think better results are ahead. Still waiting for the Nelson Cruz home run derby month.

10. Team W

Record: 16-40-4

Previous Rank: 10 (Last Week: 5-5-2 Sabermetrics)

Well done Pete, well done. After being up 10-1-1 until Thursday, I was lucky to get a tie by Sunday last week. Some clever maneuvering on the waiver showed old Pete Witchger still has a pulse. Last week felt a lot like the time I watched you put that noodle in your nose at Golden Corral. The noodle went up there, you started making choking noises suckin that boy down.. I definitely never thought I’d see that noodle again, but sure enough after almost throwing up, there it was and there you were with a big smile on your face. Congrats on the tie Pete, it was fun to watch.

And it almost overshadowed this Goldschmidt fiasco. Not sure what possessed you to start sending weirdly masochistic trade deals to everyone in the league like the Exorcism of Evan Huxhold but I’m glad it seems like you’ve settled in after 2 vetos… Go get an ace.

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