Power Rankings: Week 4

EAST
TEAM W L T PCT GB
Orbit’s Woody 33 13 2 .708
Cubs Mascot Dong 30 16 2 .646 3
Big Bears Budder Brigade 27 19 2 .583 6
Flare Up Your Jung Ho 20 25 3 .448 12.5
Team W 11 35 2 .250 22
WEST
TEAM W L T PCT GB
The Fighting Moles 29 16 3 .635
Team Sabermetrics 25 20 3 .552 4
Marvin’s Room 20 24 4 .458 8.5
Minnesota Twaints 18 26 4 .417 10.5
Dobis PR 14 33 1 .302  16

1. Orbit’s Woody

Record: 33-13-2 (1st EAST)

Previous rank: 1

Here’s my Skip Bayless Hot Take… Aliens are real, Lebron James has a vagina and this is a .500ish team disguised as a sexy frontrunner. Smoke and Mirrors and Tiny Altuve have propped up Orbit’s Woody in April. Just don’t see the big guns needed to maintain season long dominance yet. The Carlos Carrasco injury knocks the pitching staff down a few pegs.

2. Cubs Mascot Dong

Record: 30-16-2 (2nd EAST)

Previous rank: 2

Offense is real, pitching has been good enough. My only concern would be the lack of a second true fantasy ace, no disrespect to Jon Lester. I would feel better if Jose Fernandez was my number 2, personally. Sano has finally started to wake up from his slumber. Also, welcome home Jose Berrios! A new era of Twinks is upon us and they wear the colors of Cubs Mascot Dong.

3. The Fighting Moles

Record: 29-16-3 (1st WEST)

Previous rank: 3

Why Dee? You hit 4 home runs last year. What steroids are you unknowingly doing that only sent 4 balls over 330 feet? How many Flintstones vitamins can you pop before it shows up on a drug test? Lot of questions there. The Moles were rolling before the suspension. We’ll see if Uncle can find .330 BA and 80 SBs on the waiver wire. The Trevor Story trade will pay off before All Star Break.

4. Team Sabermetrics

Record: 25-20-3 (2nd WEST)

Previous rank: 4

Alright, Ben. The offense isn’t where it’s supposed to be but it’s April. You expected this. You’re still a genius. You’re still the smartest, coolest, best looking guy in the room. Everybody thinks that. Sure, you got a little drunk last weekend. Did some things you aren’t proud of. Bill Gates had bad weekends. Plenty of successful people lived with their parents when they turned 25. Things are going to be fine. Seriously though, Jose Abreu you’re the biggest cuban in the league. Start hitting home runs like it.

5. Big Bears Budder Brigade

Record: 27-19-2 (3rd EAST)

Previous rank: 6

Big jump thanks to playing Peter on vacation last week. Have to admit though, the Budder Brigade is growing on me a little. Definitely some streakiness in it’s DNA but when the Chris Carters and Ian Desmonds of the world are hitting, Big Bear is a tough play.

6. Marvin’s Room

Record: 20-24-4 (3rd WEST)

Previous rank: 5

The Kershaw/Trout trade will be a source of speculation all year. Maybe I’ve said this before: I don’t mind the trade, I do question the fit. Marve loves his pitching and Kershaw is the best. Whether there’s enough juice in the offense to pick up the slack has yet to be seen. You don’t just fill in for a Mike Trout. Meanwhile, O’Hara weathers the storm by playing the Mother of Dragons strategy; hiding top prospects in his basement for months until they are big and strong enough to light shit on fire.

7. Flare Up Your Byung Ho

Record: 20-25-3(4th EAST)

Previous rank: 8

The 7 and 8 spots were close. Stove gets the edge because the offense is legit. Pitching isn’t shabby either. This is a team very clearly trending up.

8. Minnesota Twaints

Record: 18-26-4 (4th WEST)

Previous rank: 7

Tim finally made it through a week without 4 starters exploding. Unfortunately, several still did. A dirty 6 Earned Run Win by David Price to end Sunday night salvaged a 5-6-1 record last week. The pitching should turn around. The infield however, plays with as much power as Dee Gordon on steroids. Tarrell is a lot like Donald Trump. He’s loud..more than a little racist..and has won a total of zero fantasy titles.

-Sincerely, Little Boy

9. Dobis PR

Record: 14-33-1 (5th WEST)

Previous rank: 9

Don’t give up, don’t ever give up. I worry Dobis is one more bad week away from setting everything on fire and taking the insurance money. The Joey Votto/Degrom-Posey trade hasn’t aged well but it’s too early to hang it up. We’ll find out more about this team in May.

10. Team W

Record: 11-35-2 (5th EAST)

Previous rank: 10

Come on, Witchger. Make a move. Talk a little shit so we know you’re still alive. Do something.

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