Power Rankings: Week 10

Cubs Mascot Dong 68 46 6 .592
Big Bears Budder Brigade 66 48 6 .575 2
Orbit’s Woody 67 50 3 .571 2.5
Carpenter Bruce Kershawing 49 64 7 .438 18.5
Flare Up Your Jung Ho 49 66 5 .429 19.5
Dobis PR 62 50 8 .550
Marvin’s Room 61 51 8 .542 1
Team Sabermetrics 55 58 7 .488 7.5
The Fighting Moles 47 66 7 .421 15.5
Minnesota Twaints 44 69 7 .396 18.5

 10. Minnesota Twaints (44-69-7 – 5th WEST)

Last Week: 10 (W 9-2-1 The Fighting Moles)

I did not realize this but The Twaints last matchup win came 8 long weeks ago… 8 weeks ago I had a job, Kevin was an eligible bachelor, Pete weighed 170 lbs, Matt Latos was a CY Young Candidate, and Jameson Taillon was still just a twinkle in Tim’s eye. I can’t begin to imagine the pain and suffering.

Now that the Twinks have tasted success, we’ll see if Tim can put a run together. 19 games over 10 weeks is absolutely do able. Regardless of record, the Minnesota Twaints and their manager, Donald Sterling, will always be one of the best tickets in town.

9. Flare Up Your Jung Ho (49-66-5 – 5th EAST)

Last Week: 7 (L 2-10 Big Bears Budder Brigade)

It took a 2-10 pin down and insertion on the back of a Carmel High School bus to light a fire under Tortuga’s delicate underbelly. This week Purdle ripped off a chilling rant of pure unadulterated America that, in my country, should at least get him consideration for the VP nomination in the Republican Party.

This Turtle has lost its way in the desert and Tim is circling overhead. There is plenty of talent on this roster ripe for the picking. Outside of James Shields getting uglier every 5 days, there may be a few sleeper picks yet to blossom amongst the weeds. But our Tortuga is a prideful breed. The Internet says a tortoise can go a whole year without water. We will see how long before desperation kicks in and Commiskey is forced to address a glaring need for strikeouts.

I Can’t Believe I’m This Buttered Stat of the Week: 

Flare Up Your Jung Ho has converted an astonishingly unlucky 25 Wins in 51 Quality Starts. That means Steve has only won 49% of starts in which his pitcher goes 6+ innings, conceeding 3 runs or less. For perspective, the next worst team, The Twaints, has converted QS’s into W’s 66% of the time. Wow.

8. The Fighting Moles (47-66-7 – 4th WEST)

Last Week: 8 (L 2-9-1 Minnesota Twaints)

Have the Moles already seen their best days? A matchup with the lowly Twaints was supposed to be just what the doctor ordered. Instead we have Brent contemplating whether to blow it all up – take his prospects and bury his head underground until next year.

I have no idea what is going on with Giancarlo Stanton. No one does. He is getting days off now just to get his head right. I get the Moles this week. I step in the ring with a chance to knock out Apollo Creed for good. But if there’s one thing I know about Moles, besides their incredibly poor vision, I wouldn’t want to sneak up and lay hands on one in a desperate situation. As I predicted, the pitching staff has fallen apart. The bats however, on paper at least, are good enough to inflict serious damage when threatened.

7. Carpenter Bruce Kershawing (49-64-7 – 4th EAST)

Last Week: 9 (W 8-4 Orbit’s Woody)

THE STYLINN.. PROFILIN, LIMOSINE RIDIN, JET FLYIN, KISS STEALIN, WHEELIN DEALIN SON OF A GUN, CARPENTER BRUCE. I know another carpenter that didn’t pull off a miracle as impressive as this run. All of a sudden this a superbly built team. The power speed machine Wasky has put together on offense is a sight to behold right now. Be afraid contenders, be very afraid.

6. Team Sabermetrics (55-58-7 – 3rd WEST)

Last Week: 6 (W 6-5-1 Marvin’s Room)

68 innings with 80 K’s, only to fall short by 3 punch outs sums up my frustrations nicely. Both of my Japanese wunderkins hurt themselves in the past week, miss Yu already. I had to watch Yordano Ventura throw 99 at the ribs of my best friend. Even Carlos Correa missed the back half of the week with a rolled ankle (No Tim, I don’t want Jean Segura, please stop). Thankfully, Jose Abreu and Carlos Santana have been there to keep me from taking 7 ambien and going into a self induced coma until Byron Buxton realizes he can do anything he wants on a baseball field.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be on FarmersOnly.com looking for a cheap beefed up outfielder.

 5. Marvin’s Room (61-51-8 – 2nd WEST)

Last Week: 3 (L 5-6-1 Team Sabermetrics)

A masterful dance on the waiver wire last week earned a close decision with a another contender. I count 4 QS from streaming options. I’ve been kicking myself ever since Jurickson Profar started hitting in the lead off spot. Brian Dozier teetered on the brink of droppability but appears to be back on track. Big Donaldson month on the horizon. I know Marve wants to add at least one more piece, some solid pickups may have opened that window.

I know Marve to be a strategist. Given 7 acquisitions every week, every matchup with Marvin’s Room turns into a chess match. The next most dynamic team has registered 15 less roster additions. There is no Trade Deadline as of today so expect fireworks well past the 4th of July.

4. Dobis PR (62-50-8 – 1st WEST)

Last Week: 4 ( W 7-1-4 Cubs Mascot Dong) 

Dobis P Dobis P Doh Doh… Four weeks, four different teams staking their claim for the title of best team in the West. What an incredible story this is. Xander Bogaerts in the top rated shortstop in baseball right now and very likely a first round pick next year. I’m convinced Nelson Cruz has discovered an untraceable form of HGH. And hey, Jason Heyward hit a home run. How about that. Off a lefty no less. Just need to steal 30 more bases and he won’t be a disappointment.

While I can’t reward Peter with 3rd spot because of the Preakness Stakes going on the West right now, I haven’t seen a hotter team in my 6+ years as a fantasy maester. Shit is setting on fire at the Dobis office for no reason and with little warning. A little nerve racking to think there’s a chance only one team in the West gets in. In the next 5 weeks we’ll find out who’s riding Seabiscuit and who’s just another tiny hispanic man sitting on a horse with a weird name. For now, let’s take a live look inside House Dobis…

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3. Cubs Mascot Dong (68-46-6 – 1st EAST) cubs mascto dong

Last Week: 1 (L 1-7-4 Dobis PR)

Last week was a wake up call for Cubs Mascot Dong. And Bobby’s lucky it wasn’t worse. Former super prospect Wil Myers is among the hottest hitters in baseball. Andrew McCutcheon is not. Once the Edwin-Bryant trade goes through I expect Myers to slot in at 1B. I love the Cueto addition. Exactly what I wanted to see next to Jose Fernandez and Jonny Lester. The acquisition comes at the expense of some high value bats. The injuries do make me nervous when trying to project CMD’s upside in the short term. The Bobfather released the following statement once the ink dried on his blockbuster deal:

“Let me start by saying I’m sad to see Edwin go. People will see Kris Bryant as the headliner in this trade. Sure, he may be a mainstay on this roster for years to come but pitching was the goal and pitching is what I got. Cubs Mascot Dong is in win now mode and obviously the budder brigade shares the same philosophy. 10 weeks to go. We’ll see what happens.” 

We’ll see what happens, yes. Well said. It will be at least 3 weeks before we see CMD sailing at full mast. This trade could either be the viagra that limp dicked bear needs to get going or the cut that exposes Cubs Mascot Dong’s lack of depth once and for all.

2. Orbit’s Woody (67-50-3 – 3rd EAST)

Orbit's Woody

Last Week: 2 (L 4-8 Carpenter Bruce Kershawing)

Finally, the power numbers came down to earth. At least for one week. And even on a down week, Orbit’s Woody hit .276. I like that a lot. That is this sign of a sexy team under that turtleneck. Quietly, Christian Yelich is among the league leaders in Doubles. Letting Michael Fulmer at the beginning of his historic scoreless streak has been one of my bigger regrets this season. He has Top 20 Starter level nastiness. Danny Duffy looks like a new pitcher too, pairing a swing and miss changeup with high 90’s velocity from the left side.

My only question for Orbit’s Woody this week centers around the future performance of 1B. Freeballin Freddie Freeman is currently the 17th rated first baseman. That likely isn’t going to cut it at a position that ideally, is a staple for generating your power stats. I’ll be veryyy interested to find out if last week’s 6 HR output was an anomaly or a sign of things to come.

1. Big Bears Budder Brigade (66-48-6 – 2nd EAST)

Last Week: 5 (W 10-2 Flare Up Your Jung Ho)

ຂ້າພະເຈົ້າຄັ້ງທໍາອິດ – pronounced Kha fa chao khang tho aid, is the very rough Lao translation for I am first. I wouldn’t suggest using it in line for the bus or anywhere else as an American in a foreign country, but just in case a small oriental woman with a gentle face asks where you are in the power rankings this week, you’ll know what to say. Big, potentially division altering trade yesterday. Here’s my view:

I like what this does for Falvey. What Malv has sacrificed in future potential, I believe the Budder Brigade stabilized some of the volatility that has characterized this offense thus far. I can see similar numbers from Kris Bryant and Edwin Encarnacion going forward. Let’s say that Tanaka is a solid but a semi formidable drop from an early CY Young in Johnny Cueto. Budder Brigade has the pitching to absorb most of that loss. That leaves Adrian Beltre and his ultra safe .285 BA, 10+ homers the rest of the season, barring some old age concerns. Time determines the winner here but on the surface, this looks good for both. Finally, a nice safe, consensual exchange between two adults without seven rape allegations and a court date scheduled the next morning.

Fun Fact: For all its controversy, the last team to trade for Edwin Encarnacion won the ship. In last year’s fantasy postseason, Edwin hit 9 bombs, twice as many as any other player on the four playoff teams. Maybe it’s the time zones but no manager has impressed this year more than the artist formerly known as Goon Sack. This is no pity ranking for a man voluntarily living in a third world country. Safe travels, Big Bear.

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