Hello, Friends. Welcome to the first real rankings of the season.
10.) Donald J Trumboners (5-6-1, 3rd East)
We’re a week into the Purdleball experiment and things are already getting interesting. Purdle is great for content. We saw the Trumboners make their first trade since May 15, 2015 (Yes, that long I checked) – a polarizing deal neutering Purdle’s potential for Wins, Quality Starts and K’s in exchange for all the Saves Donald J Trumboner can handle. Here’s the trade:
Donald J. Trumboners receive:
Lorenzo Cain, OF
Aroldis Chapman, RP
Tony Watson, RP
Marvin’s Room receive:
Justin Upton, OF
Tanner Roark, SP
Sean Manaea, SP
To understand this trade we have to try and go inside the impenetrable fortress that is the mind of a Purdle.
The Trumboners have been in open disdain for QS, Wins and K’s since the draft and this trade was the procedure that assured Caitlyn could never be Bruce again, if you will. Well, that is if we’re saying Bruce Jenner came in 10th place at the 1976 decathlon, settled down with Dina Lohan, and decided to invest all his assets into the rising pet rock industry.
If I’m Purdle, I might look at the excellent starts I had just gotten from Dallas Keuchel (Looking like CY Young Keuchel) and Lance McCullers (Looking like a future CY Young contender), the overflow of bats on my bench, and utilize my overflow of outfield assets to upgrade a young promising staff.
When we look back though, Donald’s identity confusion actually started last year. The Trumboners were by most measures, a top three offense; finishing one, two, and three in RBI’s, HR’s, and Runs scored, respectively. I would imagine Purdle is envisioning a similar finish in these categories this year. The irony being, we’ve already seen the Trumboners punt Wins and K’s… It happened last year, although that was incidental and not in radical defiance of convention as is the current cross Purdle has nailed himself to.
Another issue I see, if you look around the league you will see a landscape barren of closers. There are three teams now openly punting saves, two more teams rostering only one ninth inning specialist. So basically, Purdle has decided to corner a market no one really wanted a part of anyway. I mean, there were saves available on the waiver before this trade took place. Ask Marve, he picked up a closer immediately after it went through.
In fact, it is entirely conceivably in this league that you could win saves 80% of the time with two good closers.. The Trumboners have five, and no hope for K’s (Closers can go four sometimes five games without an appearance), Quality Starts, and Wins (if you combined the best win seasons for every reliever on this roster and added 30, you would still be 15 wins shy of last year’s worst finisher in that category, also the Trumboners).
Last thing, the offense may not be that good. They are beat up and certainly not the five category monster we were promised.
Regardless of anyone’s opinion on this trade, we are about to find out that one of the following is true – Either Purdle is playing 12 dimensional chess and our small brains can’t handle the awesome complexity of Purdleball, or we’re looking at another 140+ Loss entry in the Trumboner franchise. Guess where I have my money.
Purdle, I just want to say I sincerely hope that you prove me and the rest of the universe wrong.
9.) Marvin’s Room (1-9-2, 5th West)
I don’t know what was more surprising, Tom’s performance last week or Carlos Martinez getting shelled by the Reds. Pretty much the only thing Marve could do was weather Hurricane Tim last week and hope to come out better than 0-12. Not going to say a whole lot about it other than Marvin’s Room lost week one last year and we know where he ended up.
The Better Business Bureau gives Marve’s a solid B rating for his acquisition of Justin Upton plus back end rotation help, and that’s without mentioning the increasingly beneficial Adam Jones deal. If Upton comes around, Marvin will have greatly upgraded the league’s weakest outfield in just a matter of a few weeks and at very little expense to his roster.
The bats started to simmer near the end of the week and I surely don’t expect to see O’Hara this far down on this list for long. Marve gets to take out some frustration in a much anticipated matchup with the Brent this week.
8.) Kershaw Eaton Yep (4-6-2, T-4th East)
Not even a five homer Sunday could salvage the week for Witchger. Really, Peter was fortunate to come so close in OPS and HR’s too with Miggy and Jose Bats going a combined 5 for 39. I’ll also be watching to see if Kershaw Eaton Yep continues to put up extremely unbalanced Runs to RBI’s lines. 17 more runs than ribbies last week. Probably nothing, but maybe something to keep an eye out for when considering lineup construction.
If Witchger is going to compete this year, streaming is a must. Can’t leave Wins and QS up for chance on Sunday in this league. Cost you two categories there, Pete. Didn’t help that Kershaw was in Coors last week.
Still waiting to see what Kershaw Eaton Yep is going to end up being this year. In Clayton we trust.
What would you do?
7.) The Fighting Moles (4-8, 4th West)
After a tough week riddled with bad luck, Thor and the Moles (coincidently the name of the next shitty Marvel movie) made things interesting Sunday night.
Watching Syndergaard mow down nine marlins to take K’s was quick and surprisingly painless. It’s easier to prepare yourself for the inevitable. Part of me wanted to see Giancarlo connect on a Thor fastball just to see if a black hole opened up.
When you hit .220 over seven days and Francisco Liriano doesn’t make it out of the first inning, you’re pretty happy with 4-8. Too early in the season to judge a very talented Moles roster.
This week on Buxton Watch:
6.) Dobis PR (6-4-2, 3rd West)
Huge opening week win for Dobis. It takes real onions to survive a 15 RBI, .988 OPS Sunday onslaught from Team I Have a Baby, and the boys from Dobis PR not only came out with a series victory, they showed they have some flash flood potential of their own.
A few things I liked:
Schwarbombs! Two of them. The above missile left the yard hurtling at speeds upwards of 112 MPH, fast enough to kill nine red birds with one stone. Crazy to see a ball explode like that.
Dobis has a nice blend of average and power. Widespread slumping can be covered up by a cavalcade of high average contact hitters. Is it possible Ted Williams’ ghost has been doing a reverse space jam with Daniel Murphy the last two years? To be honest I would believe anything in 2017.
In trade news, there is a rumor going around that a certain a 6’5 lefty who prefers his jerseys with the sleeves cut for maximum gun-show potential, is available. If you don’t know who I’m talking about, you might say he’s for Sale. *cocks pistol*
5.) Orbit’s Woody (4-6-2, T-4th East)
One thing we know, this year’s Orbit’s Woody carries the same super AVG, OPS trait as last year’s version. Freddie Freeman continues to remind me that evolution is real and not just a scary bedtime story Mike Pence tells to his kids.
Pitching will get better, they are too talented not to. Really though, I think half of Bower’s staff are still waiting for their surgery scars to heal. Patience is key. This is a team that won’t be at it’s best until May/June.
If, more likely when, the arms come around, Orbit’s Woody isn’t going to be a fun team to play. Especially if your team name is Sabermetrics and you do things like hit .200 for a whole week.
4.) Laotian Humminas (6-5-1, 2nd East)
The reigning king in the East survived a scare from the lowly dugongs last week thanks to herculean efforts from Kris Davis and my guy King George of the Jungle Springer. Alright Falvey, you can give him back now.
Upset of the week, maybe the year came on the pitching side of this matchup. Hard to call it anything other than bad luck, but the Humminas likely gave the Purdles their only triumph in the Wins category for 2017.
Oh well, might as well get a shit week over with early. Good news is, our international brother Malvey is more active than the mosquitos in a Laotian summer heat wave, putting in for the full eight rentals for last week. I like the Humminas to bounce back strong against The Babymakers this week.
IN CASE YOU FORGOT MADISON BUMGARNER WAS A MAN:
3.) Team Sabermetrics (8-4, 2nd West)
It’s not often you can hit a shockingly awful .200 and still come out with a convincing series win. My week went from “unreal” to “if we don’t stop the bleeding we’re going to lose him” very fast. My offense won’t be that bad forever.
If Purdle needed a referendum on the dangers of relying on closers, check my week. Edwin Diaz, one of the best young arms in the game, blew up late Sunday afternoon and my WHIP went from 1.17 to 1.24 in a two-thirds of an inning. It can be that volatile.
Last week let me know how careful I’m going to have to be with the back end of my rotation. I have three thoroughbreds surrounded by dynamite. On the plus side I have plenty of flexibility, so look for me to hunt the waiver all year long.
Not a good start for the “Keep Hizer under .500” crowd.
2.) Cubs Mascot Dong (6-4-2, 1st East)
Confirmed. Cubs Mascot Dong is good. Steals are the new home run and CMD had 11 last week, and that’s without having to resort to OPS killers like Billy Hamilton and Dee Gordon. Color me impressed.
Leading the Twins renaissance is Miguel Sano and his white hot to start the 2017 season.
That is a large human-being hitting a baseball very, very far. Bob gets Purdle and the Trumboners next.
1.) Yelich da Twaint (9-1-3, 1st West)
Boom shakalaka!!! Statement made. In their first division test of the year, the Twai…err Poseys beat down a perennial contender with about as dominant a performance you could ask for to start the season.
Just a shame the loyal fans of the Minnesota Twaints won’t get to enjoy the franchise’s second week above .500 in three years; Tim packed the moving vans and switched to the other side of the plate in the middle of the night. I guess Tim yelichs the posey now. Would have loved to look up and see the Twaints at the top of the division for the first time ever, but it was probably the right move. New city, new me.
To put it frankly, the new look Poseys put up championship caliber numbers last week. That’s not saying this is the new favorite, it’s saying this is a team that has proven itself capable of putting together an unbeatable week. If Chris Archer is really back, and I think he is, the Archer, Cueto, Teheran, Wainwright combo is solid.
Oh, and Kendall Graveman. The same Kendall Graveman who took a no-hitter into the 7th against the Rangers throwing one pitch. The lesson being – teach your kid the difference between a sinker and a gravity ball early on (one gets you cut in high school).
Promising start for Timmy. Orbit’s Boner up next.