Welcome to trade season, folks. Let’s get to work.
10.) Laotian Humminas (15-42-3, 5th East)
Last Week: 10 (L 1-11 Sabermetrics)
While I’m certain Falvey has had some painful hangovers, I doubt any have lasted as long as this post championship season migraine.
The vultures are circling.. if the Humminas don’t end this drought soon, the climb to the 4th and final playoff spot will end similar to when James Franco got his hand stuck between a rock and had to decide whether to cut it off for the sake of survival (He does).
Some bad luck, exacerbated by Madison Bumgarner’s love of dangerous outdoor activities has left Big Bear with some difficult decisions.. To sell, or not to sell?
I’m not saying this team as is doesn’t have a run in them somewhere but whatever you decide to do, Falvey.. please, give us all the respect of a response when an offer gets put on your table. Even though I’m pretty sure I’ve been blackballed on account of my winning record.
Above all, don’t be that guy that throws in the towel 16 rounds early, that’s not you Matthew.
9.) Yelich da Posey (22-33-5, 5th West)
Last week: 6 (L 3-8-1 Fighting Moles)
Last week makes it three ugly losses in a row now… The offense has all but collapsed without Yoenis and the pitching staff doesn’t have the top level stability right now to handle all the streaming.
If you look at this lineup, you don’t have to look far to see why the batting average has cratered. Odor, Chris Davis and Joey Gallo, all carry the boom or bust trait that will drown a team in strikeouts when their off weeks align.
And then when you add in a slumping Evan Longoria, a less than 100% Mike Trout, and a so-so week from Francisco Lindor, all you can do is pray the home runs are enough to overcome a hefty deficit in batting average. Last week they weren’t.
Which brings me to a pitching staff that needs some rethinking if Julio Teheran isn’t going to be the dependable third starter he was supposed to be.
Tom is the unfortunate recipient of the fuck you, drop of the week award thanks to Ryon Healy hitting a home run in three straight games following his release from da Posey’s.
BREAKING: My sources tell me Mike Trout is on the market and it will only cost you two arms, at least one leg and maybe a ball.
8.) Trumboners (26-32-2, 3rd East)
Last Week: 7 (L 5-7 Orbit’s Woody)
Last week was almost Purdleball by the book… Saves ✅, ERA, WHIP ✅✅. Now we just need all the batting categories.. Let’s see.. Took steals ✅ batting average we’ll take by a few singles✅…. andd that’s it. Bower’s team with it’s high batting average and plus power, matches up well and just like that, Purdleball is defeated.
We’ve seen enough Purdleball that we can call it what it is – a high floor-low ceiling statistically motivated, but fatally strategically misguided gimmick. And while I applaud Steve’s unwavering commitment to his unorthodox approach, it only makes sense that the Trumboners would now be shopping around for discount starters.
I was wrong to say Purdleball can’t win. It can win, but there hasn’t been anything so far that would tell us the Trumboners are going to blow everyone away in every batting category.
This week Purdle gets his showdown with Sabermetrics. Which is like if Donald Trump finally got to fist fight the media in a seven day unsanctioned event. It’s going to be tremendous, that I can tell you.
7.) Wintanamo Clay (23-32-4, 4th East)
Last week: 9 (L 4-6-2 Cubs Mascot Dong)
I could have sworn Peter had it just about locked up going into Sunday, and then I check in around 7pm only to see 7-4-1 has turned into 4-6-2… So what happened?
Peter has a streaming problem.
To use an analogy, Witchger’s the kid who went through high school, clean-cut, never having really experimented with anything other maybe alcohol on occasion.. And then first week freshman year of college he goes to a party off campus, and one of his new buddies passes him a pipe and says it will make him feel good and last longer… Long story short, it’s crystal meth and pretty soon Peter is living on the streets and doing crazy shit like streaming Patrick Corbin at Coors Field because he needs to feel that rush again.
Miggy is back, Ryan Braun will rejoin the lineup soon, if Pete can resist the urge to throw Jeremy Hellickson against the Cubs and the Nationals, there’s no reason Wintanamo Clay can’t find a way to hang around the 4 seed.
6. The Fighting Moles (30-29-1, 3rd West)
Last week: 8 (W 8-3-1 Yelich da Posey)
It’s not the Sad Hopeless Moles, or the Suicidal Moles, it’s the Fighting Moles.
No Thor, no Bryce, no problem. Big time win last week, a win that could have been even bigger without another weird Sunday. So who is the hero that carried Uncle off the bridge? He’s 6’7, 290 lbs of man beef.. Not you Giancarlo, sit down pussy.
Aaron Judge looks like a real life monstar and is arguably the best pick of the draft so far. And then there’s Billy Hamilton, who nearly put up a triple double last week (11 Runs, 8 RBI’s and 9 Steals).
Other than James Paxton’s unexpected DL announcement, it was a blessed week for Brent and the Moles. The offense should continue to carry some weeks, it’s up to Brent to figure out how to frankenstein a respectable pitching staff.
5.) Dobis PR (27-28-5, 4th West)
Last week: 4 (L 3-7-2 Marvin’s Room)
It was a somewhat entertaining subplot Sunday knowing Dobis could still take batting average if the Cubs-Yankees game went 18 innings, and Starlin Castro and Addison Russell combined to go 0/14. Gotta take the wins where they come.
That’s about where the luck ended for poor Peter Francis. Chris Sale, in all his dominance, gave up four runs in the fifth inning against the Twins to cost Dobis ERA and QS’s in one fell swoop. And then Runs and Home Runs teetered back and forth for awhile, only to both go to Marvin. Hard to knock a loss that came down to Sunday.
If anyone is in the market for a bat, it’s Dobis. Strikeouts are the sexy category these days and Peter Francis has plenty. Who has bats and needs an arm? Hmm.
4.) Cubs Mascot Dong (29-26-5, 2nd East)
Last Week: 5 (W 6-4-2 Wintanamo Clay)
Bobby squeaked out a win last week thanks to some overdue quality starts from Jon Lester and Danny Duffy, and some help from Peter’s awful Sunday performance.
CMD has the feel of a team that has been getting lucky with it’s matchups lately. I can see some regression coming. In the meantime, Bobby looks pretty comfortable holding down the fourth spot.
Careful with that WHIP until Kluber comes back, Bobby boy.
3.) Sabermetrics (37-22-1, 2nd West)
Last Week: 3 (W 11-1 Humminas)
If the last three weeks say anything, I’ll be lucky not to go 1-11 this week.
Manny Machado celebrated Manny Machado week in appropriate fashion, putting up seven runs, eight runs batted in and four dingers.
How about Mark Reynolds too? Who would have ever thought, huh? He’s a lock against lefties.
And then you have the golden boys, Bellinger and Benintendi; superstars in the making. The future looks bright for Sabermetrics, just have to avoid a let down against the Trumboners and Purdleball.
2.) Marvin’s Room (36-19-5, 1st West)
Last week: 2 (W 7-3-2 Dobis PR)
Even with Eric Thames and Trea Turner returning to planet Earth this week, Marvin’s Room was able to prevail, robbing the fantasy gods of their prized lamb for at least one more week.
Marve deserves a ton of credit for rebuilding his outfield from basically scratch and the ashes of Lorenzo Cain. And right now he’s winning without Donaldson which, either gives Marve some very sexy trade bait or we’re looking at a strong lineup about to add an AL MVP.
That’s not really a fun thought for the rest of the league. Witchger is up next.
1.) Orbit’s Woody (37-19-4, 1st East)
Last Week: 1 (W 8-4 Trumboners)
Nobody loves April/May like Orbit’s Woody. Last year after 5 weeks, Kevin was 39-18-3. So in a way this start is a little disappointing.
Another week, another dominant line from Orbit’s Woody. This offense, with Freddie Freeman having officially evolved into his MVP final form, is legitimately scary. Keep in mind Cargo hasn’t gotten going yet.
Matt Harvey is the only albatross on this roster. It will get better because it can’t get worse but come on, the guy was supposed to be the Dark Knight and now he’s just the fat drunk guy in a Halloween costume.
Otherwise, Orbit’s Woody is rolling and gets a shot to revenge an early season L against the reeling Tiny Tim’s this week.