That’s over two months now of baseball every single day. It went fast.
Sadly, no controversies this week so let’s get into it.
10.) Laotian Humminas (28-73-7)
Last Week: 10 (L 2-10 Marvin’s Room)
Nothing short of cruel for the desperate Humminas to put in their best offensive week, only to be overpowered by 20 bombs from Marve. I wouldn’t say Verlander and Kyle Hendricks’ Sunday meltdowns helped much either.
Falvey wasn’t able to build on his win over Farrell, but we got to see what the Laotian lineup looks like with Josh Donaldson wearing the red, white dot and blue stripe.
Don’t let the win total lull you into thinking the Humminas aren’t dangerous. Once Trevor Story figures out his contact prescription, this offense is going to do damage.
All Falvey has to do is go 105-30-7 the rest of the way and we’re talking playoffs.
9.) Yelich da Posey (45-57-6, 5th West)
Last Week: 8 (L 4-8 Trumboners)
Mike Trout is this generation’s Mickey Mantle, a golden adonis blessed with an supernatural blend of power and speed – only our version comes with the habits of a boy scout hungry for his G.O.A.T. badge.
For Yelich da Posey, losing Trout and his 16 home runs, 10 steals .337 average and ungodly 1.203 OPS for 6-8 weeks is like shooting Seabiscuit in the leg after the first turn.
All of a sudden, a rookie may be this outfield’s most prodigious asset. Tim has time to figure this out.. But there may not be enough here to keep pace while Trout heals.
Which brings me to my biggest question… Does Tarrell have the balls to move Mike Trout if it means saving his season?
8.) Wintanamo Clay (45-57-6, 4th East)
Last Week: 5 ( L 4-8 Sabermetrics)
The Sunday scaries continue for Wintanamo. Two weeks after going Rambo II & III on Minsky, Witchger’s squad could only manage one Yahtzee on judgement day.
Again, the offense is fine. Joey Bats has even done a few “fuck your whole city” bat flips lately, even knowing it comes with a complimentary fastball to the brain box next time up. Once Ryan Braun gets his new Lance Armstrong blood, Wintanamo can hang with anyone in all five batting categories.
The pitching side though, different situation. Since Week 7’s masterful out Purdling of Purdleball, Wintanamo’s pitching staff has struggled to find an identity.
I admire Peter’s noble chase of wins and strikeouts with four/five closers rostered, but when Ivan Nova is arguably your number two option, you’re liable to a “Jeremy Hellickson” ERA jihad every week, and that’s usually coming without any help in strikeouts.
If I’m Wintanamo, I might be looking to leverage some bats to pair Kershaw with another thoroughbred. Chris Archer, perhaps? Hmm…
The Moles come to town this week.
7.) Cubs Mascot Dong (50-51-7, 3rd East)
Last Week: 6 (L 4-6-2 The Fighting Moles)
It felt like every time I hit refresh the CMD-Moles matchup Sunday, the score had changed. Getting Erasmo in the lineup wouldn’t have done any good in hindsight, but it was a surprising to see a Sunday slip up from a perennial playoff resident tied in QS’s and Wins.. It’s not often you register 22 moon landings, lose OPS, and then have to consider 4-6-2 good fortune.
Bobby knows pitching has been the weakness. That 1.41 WHIP is 2016 Trumboners awful.
See if you can guess the pitchers:
Player A: 42.1 IP, 11.27 K/9, 2.76 BB/9, 0.21 HR/9, 0.64 ERA, 0.76 WHIP
Player B: 26.2 IP, 10.46 K/9, 5.40 BB/9, 2.03 HR/9, 6.75 ERA, 1.65 WHIP
The answer? Player A is Robbie Ray on the road this season.. Player B is Robbie Ray at Chase Field. It was a trick question!
Klubot is back with a new set of batteries and he looked fantastic against Oakland, like well, most starters do against Oakland. Bobby looked prime to buy arms before Kluber’s return, now the networking timetable may be pushed back while CMD adjusts to life with their ace back in the fold.
Big time matchup with Marvin’s Room this week.
6.) Team Sabermetrics (56-49-3, 4th West)
Last Week: 8 (W 8-4 Wintanamo Clay)
Finally, a week I can point to and say there, that’s what can happen when it clicks. I still don’t love batting .240 on the year, but I’ll take a 23 yabo week any day.
A star has risen in the West and his name is Carlos Correa. The golden boy has been shining bright as of late. Four home runs and an 1.326 is a sexy line from the shortstop position.
I’m still woefully underperforming – Manny Machado actually managed to lower his batting average last week, but there are signs of good things to come.
5.) Dobis PR (56-44-8, 3rd West)
Last Week: 3 (L 5-6-1 Orbit’s Woody)
Shhhhh keep sleeping on Dobis. That’s what they want. 40-26-6 since April 24, Dobis PR is getting it done on both sides of the scorecard.
We know how good Sale and Greinke have been, but it’s the criminally underrated Drew Pomeranz who’s been unhittable the past two weeks.
Daniel Murphy and Xander Bogaerts are on a collision course for the batting title, and Corey Dickerson is still on another planet batting leadoff.. but the guy to keep an eye on is Jackie Bradley Jr.. We remember the 29-game hit streak last year, when he lit up the league with a .415 average and a 1.271 OPS over a full month. When JBJ is hot, it’s another level and he’s showing signs.
After Week 7’s explosion, it’s a little concerning to see now back to back weeks of a sub .235 batting average. With the players above, how can that be? Sad to say it, but Kyle Schwarber may need to go down and mash some Triple A to get his feel back.
I’m interested to see if the pitching can maintain their dominance now that Dobis has committed the roster heavily towards batting. There’s still some streakiness to watch out for with the business boys at Dobis PR.
Purdle and the Revolution come to town this week.
4.) Donald J Trumboners (55-51-2, 2nd East)
Last Week: 7 (W 8-4 Yelich da Posey)
The concept of global warming was created by and for the Chinese in order to make U.S. manufacturing non-competitive.
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)
Purdle unfazed, nods in agreement.
Robert Pattinson should not take back Kristen Stewart. She cheated on him like a dog & will do it again–just watch. He can do much better!
— Donald J. Trump (@realDonaldTrump)
After a long pause, Purdle slowly raises his right hand and salutes.
Before we get to the cancerous tumor that is Purdleball, let’s talk about Phase 3: Revenge of the 38-Year Old Third Baseman.
The Trumboners decimated Yelich da Posey last week on the strength of a 58 Run/18 HR/55 RBI avalanche. The offense has taken off with JD Martinez going yard every other day now.
If the Purdleballers can maintain a 15+ HR, .280+ AVG line the rest of the way, that’s the transcendent offense we were promised after the draft.
23 innings…… that’s all the Trumboners needed before retreating back into their Purdle shell with a sub 1.00 WHIP.
At this point why even own Aaron Nola? Just because it makes the final innings count less egregious? He’s only hurting the Trumboners. A young pitcher still learning how to pitch has no place in the drudgery we know as Purdleball.
Because come on let’s face it, this “strategy” plays with no strategy during the week. No moves or risks to speak of. No skillful Sunday maneuvers to pull out a sure loss or secure a big win. Nope, just seven days sitting in a bunker waiting for the other team to give up a run.
Congratulations to Steve, he found a flaw in our precious rules and exploited it. Which though annoying, is no fault of his. But let’s not pretend that it’s fun or good for the league to have one team just abandon starting pitching all together.
Purdleball takes the show to the offices of Dobis PR this week.
3.) Orbit’s Woody (55-44-9, 1st East)
Last Week: 2 (W 6-5-1 Dobis PR)
Don’t look now, but Orbit’s Woody went 25-30-5 in May. At a glance that may be slightly concerning, until you check the stats.
Bower’s squad is holding a .289 Batting Average over two months in. The next closest team? The Trumboners at .272. That is dominating an important category at an unprecedented level. Only Orbit’s Woody is capable of losing a top 3 corner infielder and not even breaking a stride on offense.
If you had to pick a flaw, it has to be Masahiro Tanaka pitching like he’s auditioning to serve Aaron Judge meatballs at the Home Run Derby. His 2.07 HR/9 is nearing Bronson Arroyo spaghetti dinner prowess.
Woody gets a rubber match with Tarrell this week.
2.) The Fighting Moles (57-44-7, 3rd West)
Last Week: 4 (W 6-4-2 Cubs Mascot Dong)
The Fighting Moles haven’t lost a matchup since their best pitcher got hurt. That makes sense. Really, Uncle hasn’t taken an L in five weeks with a staff that could pass for extras on the set of The Walking Dead.
I’m happy to be the one to properly appreciate The Fighting Moles’ piecing together 11 Quality Starts in Week 8 with five guys that qualify as “streamers”, and then to feed a crowd of 5,000 with just five loaves of bread and a couple bluegill? That is nothing short of miracle work.
It gets better too, the reinforcements have finally arrived from the DL (Sadly replaced by Eduardo falling off the bullpen mound). All the same, David Price and James Paxton are back in business. If the Moles can ever figure out Sundays, who knows.
Can I get an ayyyyoooo… Witchger and Wintanamo Clay up next.
1.) Marvin’s Room (62-39-7, 1st West)
Last Week: 1 (W 10-2 Laotian Humminas)
Yet another dominant week has Marvin’s Room sitting comfortably at the top of the West division.
Marve is only team currently scoring in the top half of 11 of the 12 categories. Steals being the one skill Marvin’s Room falls behind in. And by falling behind I mean 2 bags away from 5th.
Hate to be the bearer of bad news to the rest of the league, but that well rounded dominance is the most prevalent characteristic of a team with championship potential.
After some early trepidation, George Springer has settled in nicely to his new home. And while I am certain we will speculate Josh Donaldson’s lost impact at some point this season, five Springer dingers will help heal the wounds of any break up.
Marve looks to extend his division lead this week in a formidable matchup with Bobfather and Cubs Mascot Dong.