10.) The Trumboners (13-21-2, 4th East)
Last Week: 10 (W 7-5 Kershaw Eaton Yep)
Last week we caught a glimpse of Purdleball in all its glory. 36/15/50/10/.307/.878 is a powerful line. You get that from your offense, pair it with a 2.39 ERA, and you might expect to see The Trumboners amongst the teams securing 11-12 wins last week. Not so.
Because as we all know so well by now, the cult of Purdleball does not acknowledge Wins, QS and strikeouts as viable categories. No thank you, the Trumbonites say, why should we pay for electricity when we have these perfectly good candles?
The Trumboners 7-5 Week 3 win was both good and bad for the Purdleball revolution:
Good because it shows there is a path to victory with this strategy, however narrow. Bad because you have to hit .300 every week with power for it to have even a chance of not being embarrassing.
Consider this, Purdle traded his 6th round pick for Aroldis Chapman, an elite closer who’s contribution last week was zero strikeouts, one save and a 1.50 WHIP in two-thirds of an inning. Does that make sense knowing Brad Brach got three saves last week?
I maintain strongly that Purdleball is unsustainable and last week’s win guarunteed us at least two more months of it. Let’s just hope the Trumboners get healthy soon enough so we can stop hearing about phase 2 of the “strategy”.
9.) Laotian HumminaHumminas (9-24-3, 5th East)
Last Week: 8 (L 0-11-1 Orbit’s Woody)
Right now the Humminas are the physical embodiment of those Sarah Mclochlin commercials where it’s just a montage of sick animals in tiny cages with depressing music playing in the background.
Losing Mad Bum until likely the end of June is a huge blow. The pitching staff is still good, but it probably falls out of the elite category without Bumgarner. Not to mention an offense that is striking out a ridiculous clip.
Could be some long weeks ahead. Keep the faith, Falvey.
8.) Kershaw Eaton Yep (17-16-3, 2nd East)
Last Week: 7 (L 5-7 Trumboners)
Purdle had to win sometime it just sucks to be the first one to make Purdleball seem like a viable strategy. No fault of Peter’s though, the Trumboners weren’t going to hit .220 forever.
Losing Miggy leaves a big void in the lineup. I do like the Travis Shaw pick up though, if you have to fill in with somebody it might as well be a former top prospect having the best start of his life.
Not exciting but I’m holding judgement on Kershaw Eaton Yep until the one month mark. After some big shifts in the division this week, Peter sits just three and a half games back. Big week ahead for Team Dad.
7.) Dobis PR (16-18-2, 4th West)
Last Week: 6 (L 4-8 The Fighting Moles)
Three weeks in and we’re still trying to figure out who Dobis is. Jengus answered some prayers last week delivering a respectable 12 long balls, but Jengus giveth and taketh away, as we also saw the AVG crater to a paltry .232.
Dobis PR is the scrappy blue collar team that beats you with grit and baseball IQ. If that analogy makes any sense at all when talking about fantasy baseball. Good at everything, not great at anything, except K’s.
Where Dan Murphy goes, so does Dobis. It also helps that Chris Sale is untouchable right now. Dobis PR deserves a big week in the win column and you have to think it happens sooner than later.
6.) Cubs Mascot Dong (16-17-3, 3rd East)
Last week: 2 (L 0-12-0 Marvin’s Room)
Since we’ve kept records, there had only been three instances where a team has been completely shut out before this past week – 2015: Sabermetrics over the Goon Sacks in Week 8, Cubs Mascot Dong got one on Witchger in Week 12.. 2016: Twaints over the Trumboners in Week 15.. And now Marve over Bob in Week 3 of this year.
Did not see that coming. Then again, I didn’t see Starling Marte’s suspension coming either. For 80 games Bob won’t have his second round pick and most dynamic offensive player.
I’m a believer in Cubs Mascot Dong, but some of the bats that started off hot have cooled, and now I worry dead roster holds like Marte and Urias are going to start being a burden.
Keeping an eye on CMD with much inquisition these next few weeks. The redemption tour starts next week against last year’s division winner, the HumminaHumminas.
5.) Gyorkin’ My Wong (19-15-2, 2nd West)
Last Week: 9 (W 12-0-0 Cubs Mascot Dong)
Can we just have a moment of silence for the loss of one of our original franchises, Marvin’s Room. I’m all for using players names to insinuate masturbation, but it just feels a little cheap in this case. Maybe it’s just me.
Anyway, Marve catapulted up the standings with a 12-0 thrashing of a Starling Marteless Cubs Mascot Dong… So, I did a deep dive int some of our dynasty stats and it turns out, we shouldn’t have been all that surprised by this result.
Since 2015, Marve is a combined 54-25-5 against an otherwise extremely successful Bobfather franchise, with a matchup record of 7-0.. That’s a “who’s your daddy” level of ownership.
Eric Thames is now at the top of the list of the guys you wish you drafted. 20th round is now looking like a crime. When Josh Donaldson comes back we’ll find out if Gyorkin my Wong is worthy of the clout Marvin’s Room worked so hard to attain in this league.
Marve can put a cherry on his unprecedented turnaround with a win over the current and eternal division leader this week, you know them as Team Sabermetrics.
4.) Fighting Moles (18-18, 3rd West)
Last Week: 5 (W 8-4 Dobis PR)
The Moles are back to .500 thanks to 10 home runs and a 10 strikeout quality start from what is probably the best collection of keepers in the league.
You can build around that. And then you have the anti-Purdleball strategy where it’s just a bunch of starters racking up strikes and W’s. I support anti-Purdleball.
The Moles are trending up and I have to think this mini-run continues with a Purdle showdown next week. If anything we should get Pay-Per-View worthy shit talk in the group chat. Battle of the strategies, cannot wait.
3.) Yelich da Posey (16-18-2, 3rd West)
Last Week: 1 (L 1-11-0 Sabermetrics)
Last week’s spanking was Tim’s reminder that the West division title still goes through Team Sabermetrics. To be fair though, Yelich da Posey hung closer than probably anyone else would have considering Max Scherzer and Yu Darvish were both on two start weeks. Definitely a coincidence.
It’s a hard kick in the dick to be back below .500 after such a dominant start but I have no issues keeping Yelich da Posey in my top 3. We’re all going to have unlucky weeks, two in a row is when I’ll start asking questions. Tim gets a hungry/desperate Dobis PR next week.
2.) Orbit’s Woody (20-12-4, 1st East)
Last Week: 4 (W 11-0-1 Humminas)
Last week I had Orbit’s Woody ranked high in anticipation of a big week. Well, we got it.
I’m almost certain Freddie Freeman has my sophomore year of high school yearbook photo that he looks at before every at-bat as a reminder that I said he might just be an empty high average first basemen last year. What we have here is a star, folks.
Orbit’s Woody has some promising young hitters and a lot of pitching (Thanks Steve!). If I hear Kevin complain about his average one more time I’m going to throw my phone.
1.) Team Sabermetrics (25-11, 1st West)
Last Week: 3 (W 11-1-0 Yelich da Posey)
Last week saw me put down yet another rebellion in my kingdom. The West division is back in rightful hands and Team Sabermetrics sits high on the throne.
Let it be known that no one wants to play me when Scherzer and Yu are lined up to start on a Monday. And my 59 Runs Batted In is the high mark for the season. I am now 14 games above .500 with Manny Machado and Carlos Correa hitting a combined .201 so far.
That’s not to say some regression can’t be expected. Jake Lamb and Mark Reynolds won’t hit .300 all season. It’s doubtful this week will be as good as the last. I get Marve this week. Sure would be nice to open the season with an undefeated run in the division.