10. Donald J Trumboners (6-17-1, 5th East)
Last week: L 1-11 Cubs Mascot Dong
How Purdle sees himself:
How the rest of the league sees Purdle:
Not even sure where to start with this.. Let’s try a meme.
I feel obligated to continue bludgeon Purdle over the head with logic and reason, even knowing it will only result in the addition of another closer.
Steve, think about it. Your strategy has you waiting for a soon to be 39-year-old third basemen, an injury prone outfielder and a second year catcher to ride in on a decrepit white horse and rescue you from what is bound to be a humiliating season if you don’t change course.
There is no roster flexibility right now. Your WHIP was the worst in the league and I had 35 walks last week. The fact that Bob was able to win 11-1 while sitting on five starts should tell you how vulnerable this saves strategy leaves you to a weekly depantsing.
Please, if not for the league, do it for the honor of the Commiskey family name. Dump everyone other than your four best closers and stream starters every chance you get. You don’t have time to fall 20 games back in the first month while your offense heals.
Do the right thing, Purdle. We all love you and want you to get better. Except for Tim. Tim just wants your twenty dollars.
9.) Marvin’s Room (7-15-2, 5th West)
Last Week: T 6-6 Fighting Moles
Marve battled arch-nemesis The Angry Brendas into a stalemate even with Bryce, Rizzo and McCutcheon locked in.
Eric Thames is playing like he’s back in Korea hitting against guys named Kim. This the #2 outfielder so far. Five home runs last week 👀.
Stroman, Taillon, Pineda, Roark, Odorizzi, Gray and Manaea. Unlike last year, this rotation is deeep.
Trea Turner and Josh Donaldson in the first two weeks? Why fantasy gods? Good news is neither are serious.
Probably should have won last week. Runs, AVG and QS all came down to the last hour on Sunday, none of which Marve came down on the winning side.
*Trea Turner does come back Wednesday and it couldn’t come at a better time. Tough matchup with Cubs Mascot Dong up next.
8.) Laotian HumminaHumminas (9-13-2, 4th East)
Last week: L 3-8-1 Kershaw Eaton Yep
The bottom fell out in the average department last week, and that’s with Khris Davis still krushing. The volatile avg trait has perhaps been my biggest critique of the Falvey franchise the last two years.
Trevor Story going 1/20 with one home run just about sums it up. The Humminas get one dinger for every five hits they accrue (21.4%), which is really, really good. Especially when they’re making contact. That stat is a pretty gaudy reflection of the Laotian’s tremendous upside.
Falvey also had the unenviable experience of sowing just two wins from a healthy eight quality starts. I can’t see that happening again. 88 strikeouts last week should tell you everything you need to know about the potential of this staff.
7.) Kershaw Eaton Yep (12-9-3, 2nd East)
Last week: W 8-3-1 Laotian HummninaHumminas
Uh oh Minsky, looks like you have some competition for the 9th inning. Only Peter is doing it with a team that has a chance to win multiple categories. Imagine that.
Ryan Braun had two home runs and three steals last week, which is great if he passes the random drug test. And then you had Miggy, the other senior MVP resident in the clubhouse, hit a few bingos last week.
Most impressive? With MLB teams using the 10-day DL for cramps, still not a single player on the oldest roster in the league has hit the Disabled List. In all honesty, I think this is going to be one of the more competitive teams on a weekly basis. I just don’t know what the ceiling is yet. We’re still waiting on guys like 36-year-old Jose Bats to get going. If father time is patient, Witchger has nowhere to go but up.
6.) Dobis PR (12-10-2, 3rd West)
Last Week: T 6-6 Team Sabermetrics
Chris Sale came out and wreaked havoc last week – 22 K’s with a 1.84 ERA and a dominant .82 WHIP over 14 and 2/3 innings. No doubt Dobis deserved better than a 6-6 tie last week.
Power is the clear issue for Dobis early on. Missing from the high average contact guys is a bonified 35+ HR masher. Six home runs last week and seven before a monster Sunday week one isn’t going to cut it.
When I evaluate teams, the first thing I look for are elite traits. Dobis PR flexes a ridiculous strikeout rate, which makes me think the ugly WHIP is a little inflated.
The upside is Randy Johnson, the downside is Randy Johnson circa 1989.
5.) The Fighting Moles (10-14, 4th West)
Last Week: T 6-6 Marvin’s Room
If you hadn’t realized, I have been touring the country on the Diesel bandwagon for awhile now. The Moles are a treasure trove of old and new blue chip prospects, which may be why I tend to want to overrate this team.
If you are 6’5 with pop and or a 98mph fastball, there’s a good chance you have an Uncle you’ve never met who loves you unconditionally.
Love has it’s downsides though. Buxton should not be in this lineup. Not with Peraza and Billy Hamilton already doing heavy damage to the OPS.
Personally, I would love to see another power bat in the infield. Owning power and speed and then pairing that with a pitching staff with upper 90’s heat would be veryyy intriguing.
Here’s Giancarlo unfiltered swatting a fastball over center field.
4.) Orbit’s Woody (9-12-3, 3rd East)
Last Week: 5-6-1 L Yelich da Posey
Orbit’s Woody has a higher batting average week to week than Commiskey’s tinder profile. I love that about this team.
The pitching staff showed last week why Orbit’s Woody is such a dangerous team going forward. Carrasco is a legitimate CY Young darkhorse, Matt Harvey has shown good velocity while getting back to his strikeout an inning stuff, and the Dallas Keuchel reunion is the feel good story of the year so far.
You have to think it’s only a matter of time before Bower puts this all together. The ceiling is the roof.
3.) Team Sabermetrics (14-10, 2nd West)
Last Week: T 6-6 Dobis PR
No, by every measurable other than the ones that matter, Sabermetrics shouldn’t be 14-10. But thanks to two straight weeks running out 16 different starters, here we are. And then when you consider Correa, Machado, and Nelson Cruz’s combined .215 AVG, you have to anticipate bigger things are on the horizon.
One big thing:
My WHIP last week was 1.49 over 74 innings, that is.. to put it plainly, pretty fucking bad. 34 walks has to be a league record. Even so, it would have been good enough to beat Purdle (1.50 WHIP). Smh.
I can’t keep up the steaming lifestyle and expect to survive the season with most of my hairline intact; not with commissioner Bob quietly limiting our acquisitions to one a day. I have to solidify the back end of my rotation or else I’m just going to keep reliving nightmares of Rickey Nolasco trying to get out of a bases loaded jam in the first inning.
It’s make or break this week against the Twaints. If I go down with two start weeks from Scherzer and Yu, it’s time to reevaluate.
2.) Cubs Mascot Dong (17-5-2, 1st East)
Last week: W 11-1 vs Trumboners
Bob was the first team to run into the true version of the Purdleball experiment and let’s just say it went well for Bob. Haha I’m laughing looking at the box score from last week because Bob only made five starts, one of those starts lasting just 1 and 2/3 innings, and still crushed Purdle. Hilarious but in a sad way.
In actual news, Marcell Ozuna went bonkers last week, hitting four home runs, knocking in 12 with a .435 average. God help us all if that continues.
Marvin’s Room up next.
1.) Yelich da Posey (15-6-3, 1st West)
Last week: W 6-5-1 Orbit’s Woody
Week one it was Lindor, Odor and Puig, last week Cespedes and Ender Inciarte hit nine out. Who’s it going to be this week? Mike Trout and Chris Davis? Probably. I know I won’t be surprised.
Pound for pound this is the best offense in the league. Looking right at you, Purdle.
Tim can make a big time statement this week with a win against the defending champ.