10.) Sleeping Monkeys (69-101-10, 5th West)
Last Week: 9 (L 3-9 Wintanamo Clay)
Under my leadership, no shitty team will ever feel left behind.
We have a new team residing in the IMWT cellar this week. It’s not personal, Tim. The Sleeping Monkeys haven’t won a matchup in over a month, or “getting hot” in Tim’s world. For the second year in a row, the performance can’t match the mouth. It’s Lavar Ball with Michael Jordan’s sons. New ownership, same Twaints.
The Sleeping I Think But Maybe Just Dead Monkeys get the Humminas this week in the We Need Keepers Bowl.
9.) Laotian HumminasHumminas (63-110-7, 5th East)
Last Week: 10 (W 9-3 Sabermetrics)
Wooo boy. Big Bear knocked out a couple Starbucks in Laos with all the WiFi the Humminas ate up last week. I poked the bear in my column last week and not to my surprise, he woke up and maxed out acquisitions on the way to a wire to wire mauling.
If Falvey’s internet connection holds up, the Humminas have a chance to really wreak some havoc on the East during division play.
The Timmy Twaints, and the owner that blasted Falvey as “the saddest team in the league, maybe the world”, come to town this week.
8.) Trumboners (87-86-7, 3rd East)
Last Week: 7 (W 6-5-1 Marvin’s Room)
Congrats on the matchup win last week, Steve. The Trumboners do look formidable at times when the offense shows up. But I still have issues with this roster that I can’t ignore.
It didn’t end up mattering that Kenley Jansen blew his first save of the season Sunday night, but it should have. How can Zack Britton, a guy you traded significant assets to attain and a vital piece to Purdleball’s success, not be in your lineup? Do you really need Albert Pujols more than you need another dominant reliever?
At what point, when you’re contemplating why the Trumboners haven’t broken through, do you have to look in the mirror?
Asking from your beachfront condo in my head – is it just pride that has the Trumboners chasing K’s and Wins again? It is ludicrous to me that Purdleball has been abandoned all of it’s principles all of a sudden. If just don’t know how you sleep at night losing ERA and WHIP when it is entirely because you played your starters.
I did what I could, but after three straight outings under 5 innings, the window to sell high on McCullers has probably closed.
At this point though, maybe I should just mind my own business it now being this late into the season. Cubs Mascot Dong next up for the Purdleballers.
7.) Dobis PR (88-81-11, 4th West)
Last Week: 5 (L 3-9 Orbit’s Woody)
It seems the boys got a little drunk, had a little too many late nights shneefed up on success. The hangover is real. After being unbeatable for two months, Dobis heads into division play reeling from a brutal 3-21 two week stretch.
Right now Dobis is the child actor who had success early but after eight straight weeks in the club their phone goes straight to voicemail. We need to see signs of life.
Hopefully this is just a down trend and the boys rise to the occasion down the stretch. If not, we may see Dobis get desperate.
Recent struggles make this week’s matchup with Marvin’s Room that much more important. May the best strategy win.
6.) Cubs Mascot Dong (79-90-11, 4th East)
Last Week: 8 (W 8-4 Fighting Moles)
Kluber will be missed but Bobby Network got his deal. Freddie Freeman, meet Kris Bryant. Great deal for Dong.
So now we have another championship level offense in the East, with Gerrit Cole giving back some of what CMD lost on the other side. I mean, just imagine for a second if Cole turns into the ace he can be down the stretch.
If the pitching holds up, Cubs Mascot Dong is now swinging a pretty big dick in the East.
The new look offense gets its first test this week against the Purdleball revolution.
5.) Team Sabermetrics (94-80-6, 2nd West)
Last Week: 4 (L 3-9 Laotian Humminas)
Adversity. The more the merrier.
Update: Too much adversity is bad. Guys keep getting hurt. Yoenis Cespedes, a huge bat that was supposed to win weeks by himself, is still leaving every third game with tired legs.
Sabermetrics is back in flux and my next move could be my last. It’s vital that I have things are running smooth by this time 2 weeks from now. Worry meter is at optimistic levels.
4.) Orbit’s Woody (87-80-13, 2nd East)
Last Week: 6 (W 9-3 Dobis PR)
Orbit’s Woody got it’s ace. And with 14 K’s, Kluber showed out in his first go around with his new squad.
Kluber, Carrasco and Keuchel make for a formidable trio after a couple neck messages.
The offense too has showed it can handle itself without Freeman. Jose Altuve hitting literally .500 over the past 30 days with power, can cover up a lot of issues.
A strong showing this week against Wintanamo Clay can put Orbit’s Woody back in the driver’s seat in the East division.
3.) Wintanamo Clay (89-81-10, 1st East)
Last Week: 4 (W 8-3-1 Sleeping Monkeys)
If not for a big Sunday from the Sleepy Monkeys, Wintanamo was the verge of another 12-0.. But sunny skies gave way to a bag of shit in the driveway as Witchger’s ace and golden boy, Clayton Kershaw, is now out for possibly the rest of the fantasy regular season.
Do you know who isn’t out for four to six weeks? Dee “I win a category by myself” Gordon.
Really though, there isn’t good time for a Kershaw injury, but it is shame for it to happen the week Witchger finally gets some breathing room above the .500 line. Without the best pitcher in baseball, Wintanamo is facing some heavy odds to hold onto the division.
The I Can’t Believe I’m This Buttered Stat of the Day of the Week: Including last week, Wintanamo Clay has only won five matchups all year. Yes, they are leading the division with a 5-10 matchup record. Buttery.
Orbit’s Woody is the next contender stepping into the ring this week with his eyes on the division.
2.) The Fighting Moles (93-79-8, 2nd West)
Last Week: 2 (L 4-8 Cubs Mascot Dong)
The Moles went down 4-8 last week, but it’s hard to knock them down considering they gave the home run record a good run.
Even with the pitching slip up against CMD, the Moles are the team striking fear in opponents right now. Did you know: Every 25 minutes, Giancarlo Stanton and Aaron Judge murder another baseball. At least that’s what it feels like now that I’m directly in the line of fire.
Lowkey huge matchup with Sabermetrics this week. The winner gets a leg up in the race for the 3rd seed.
1.) Marvin’s Room (103-64-13, 1st West)
Last Week: 1 (L 5-6-1 Trumboners)
Marvin’s Room lost 5-6-1 last week and still gained multiple games in the division.
That’s now 3 of 4 Marve has dropped. If not for a Falvey drunk in love wedding week, who knows what the West division looks right now.
The pitching staff has been excellent. In the streaming era, it pays to keep people off base. Even with the bats bordering on slightly above average lately, with such a massive cushion in the league’s best division it’s hard to give anyone else the top billing.
As we enter division play, Marve has a chance to start burying hopeful contenders, starting this week with a desperate Dobis PR.