10.) Laotian HumminaHumminas (54-107-7, 5th East)
Last Week: 10 (L 1-11 Marvin’s Room)
While I didn’t expect you to stream pitchers during his wedding vows, it does suck for everyone else to have Bumgarner get left out of the lineup with several categories still in limbo against the league’s top team.
I can look past that mistake, we’ve all left a guy on the DL a day too long.. But come on, Falvey. Derek Holland at Coors? Holland and Wade Miley combined to give up 27 earned runs over just 21 innings last week. Both under 15% owned. Excuse my french, but why the fuck are low upside streamers locked into your lineup.
Every week I try to write encouraging propaganda to get the Humminas going, it seems I have failed. The Humminas have checked out.
With that said, there’s no doubt the Humminas beat me this week now.
9.) Sleeping Monkeys (66-93-9, 5th West)
Last Week: 9 (L 3-8-1 Trumboners)
This matchup was closer than the result, but it doesn’t matter too much. The Sleeping Monkeys would need a miracle run to even finish 4th in the division.
Mike Trout is back at least. Some of the young guys are starting to play better. But realistically the rest of this season is an audition for keepers.
Of note: The Sleeping Monkeys’ winning percentage is currently .420, which is really, really chill.
The Monkeys get a chance to knock Wintanamo Clay off the top of the East division this week.
8.) Cubs Mascot Dong (71-86-11, 4th East)
Last Week: 6 (L 3-9 Sabermetrics)
CMD couldn’t keep pace with Sabermetrics last week and it’s put them back teetering on the edge of desperation.
With the pitching staff playing well of late, it’s the bats that have slowed down Cubs Mascot Dong over the past month. We’ll see what Starling Marte’s return does to get things going.
We’re still waiting on Bobby Network to make a trade. Less talk, more proposals. Another bad loss and Booger may be on the block. Somebody has to win the East division, right?
7.) Trumboners (81-81-6, 3rd East)
Last Week: 8 (W 8-3-1 Sleeping Monkeys)
The Hare was once boasting of his speed before the other animals. “I have never yet been beaten,” said he, “when I put forth my full speed. I challenge any one here to race with me.”
Purdle said quietly, “I accept your challenge.”
“That is a good joke,” said the Hare; “I could dance round you all the way.”
“Keep your boasting till you’ve won,” answered Purdle. “Shall we race?”
So a course was fixed and a start was made. The Hare darted almost out of sight at once, but soon stopped and, to show his contempt for Purdleball, lay down to have a nap. Purdle plodded on and plodded on, and when the Hare awoke from his nap, he saw Purdle just near the winning-post and could not run up in time to save the race.
Then Purdle said: “Slow but steady wins the race.”
Purdleball has taken the Trumboners within a game of and a half of the division. Sure, Steve has a terrible division to thank, but all the same.. The Trumboners are plodding their way to the finish line while Orbit’s Woody takes a nap.
The Trumboners got veryyy lucky last week facing a pathetic pitching performance. If Steve wants to keep throwing out his starters, good for everyone else. TRADE MCCULLERS.
The Trumboners are so comfortable sitting back and doing nothing that AJ Pollock, 3rd round pick AJ Pollock, didn’t get activated until almost two weeks after he was reinstated from the DL.
I have a hard time believing God would allow the Trumboners into the playoffs.
Steve can complete an impressive season sweep with a win over Marvin’s Room this week.
6.) Orbit’s Woody (78-77-13, 2nd East)
Last Week: 4 (L 4-8 Fighting Moles)
We can chalk up most of last week’s loss to a crazy strong showing from the Fighting Moles. The truth is though, Orbit’s lead in the East has been slipping for awhile now. All of a sudden, Orbit’s Woody is looking up in the division.
Different week, same story. And so I ask again… is this the week Bower finally moves one of his many bats for an ace?
Orbit’s Woody is still the favorite in the East division, but it’s at least starting to get interesting. Dobis PR is up next.
5.) Dobis PR (85-72-11, 4th West)
Last Week: 1 (L 0-12 Wintanamo Clay)
Wow. Nobody saw that coming. After going nine weeks without taking a clean hit, Wintanamo Clay managed to put Dobis on the canvas last week, cruising to walk in shutout.
Dobis now find themselves on the outside looking in, falling 2.5 games of the 4th seed. To add insult to injury, newly acquired Johnny Cueto is already on the DL.
The record still looks nice enough, but after such a heavy loss, there’s little room for any more mistakes. The playoff picture is starting to come into focus, and one of Dobis, Moles or Sabermetrics won’t be playing in September.
Fortunately, Phish plus drugs is just what the good doctor prescribed to get the business boys back on their feet. Dobis looks to rebound this week against a tough Orbit’s Woody lineup.
4.) Wintanamo Clay (81-78-9, 1st East)
Last Week: 7 (W 12-0 Dobis PR)
It wasn’t the strikeout record Witchger always wanted, but in what was easily the most surprising decision of the year, Wintanamo knocked out Dobis before the weekend.. Our second 12-0 this year and just the fifth all-time.
And thus, for the first time in a longgg time, we have a new leader in the East. How long Peter’s time on the throne will last is a big question mark.
We can say with some confidence now, the East will have just one representative in the 2017 playoffs. Whether Wintanamo Clay and his team of grizzled vets can hold off the rest of the East is one of the league’s better storylines right now.
Witchger has his first test as king when the Sleeping Monkeys come to town this next.
3.) Sabermetrics (91-71-6, 2nd West)
Last Week: 5 (W 9-3 Cubs Mascot Dong)
A dark day. Carlos Correa, in the midst of the breakout I’ve been dreaming of for two years is out. Just like that, I lose the top shortstop in the league for the rest of the fantasy season.
Of course I have a plan, but this hurts. The next few days will be spent in the war room carving out my path to September. Godspeed, Carlos.
2.) Fighting Moles (89-71-8, 3rd West)
Last Week: 4 (W 8-4 Orbit’s Woody)
Ahh the Fighting Moles. The title darkhorse turned blossoming juggernaught. The last few weeks have given us a glimpse into the awesome potential of the Moles.
In one week, the Moles racked up as almost as many quality starts as the Trumboners have had in 14 weeks. 32 quality starts in two weeks is simply. When we’re talking about the Moles’ pitching, that’s when you know something special is going on.
Simply, if Paxton, Fulmer and Price keep dealing.. with that outfield flexing the way it is now… We may have to accept that Uncle will leave everyone else to fight for the 4th spot. The Fighting Moles are legit.
The Mole army marches onward, this week facing down a refreshed Cubs Mascot Dong team desperate for a win.
1.) Marvin’s Room (98-58-12, 1st West)
Last Week: 2 (W 11-1 Laotian Humminas)
Marvin’s Room walked over the Humminas last week and find themselves right back in the top spot. Not only that, it’s hard now to see any outcome for Marvin other than an appearance in the September classic.
It won’t always be so easy, we still haven’t seen whether Trea Turner’s injury will lead to a regression in runs and steals… But the facts remain, this pitching staff is among the very best. And Marvin’s Room is still the team to beat.
Marve looks to avenge an early season 3-9 loss with a win over Purdleball this week.