10.) Laotian HumminaHumminas (53-96-7, 5th East)
Last Week: 10 (W 8-4 Wintanamo Clay)
Say what you will about the HumminaHumminas, Falvey put the WiFi in Laos to work last week, matching stream happy Witchger start for start.
There are plenty of guys on this roster that could really help some contenders. Falvey won’t pick up the phone for a mid level deal, so it will be interesting to see if the upcoming shit show abroad sparks a blockbuster.
Another strong week and we have to consider moving Falvey up in the rankings.
9.) Sleeping Monkeys (63-85-8, 5th West)
Last Week: 9 (L 1-11 Fighting Moles)
If this were real life, Tim may have been relieved from his position as the Sleeping Monkey’s President of Baseball operations after last week. This was supposed to be the year… I’m not here to hurt feelings, but I think Tim’s football success has clouded my expectations of him as baseball manager.
Four home runs and a .622 OPS? Emily Sexson is trying harder on Instagram.
The Sleeping Monkeys have fallen and they don’t seem to be getting up anytime soon. There are so many cuttable bats on this roster and then to look up and see an open 1B/3B slot on a day with a full slate… it just makes me shake my head.
There’s still plenty of baseball left, but even with Mike Trout coming back after the All-Star break, Tom may be calling around the league for keepers soon.
UPDATE: Tom is indeed planning for 2018. If time allows, I’ll do a list of the best keepers sometime later this week. Johnny Cueto for cheap, folks!! Somebody in the East needs to drop their pride and make a move.
8.) Trumboners (73-78-5, 2nd East)
Last Week: 7 (L 4-7-1 Dobis PR)
Trade Lance McCullers.
7.) Wintanamo Clay (69-78-9, 4th East)
Last Week: 6 (L 4-8 Laotian Humminas)
Wintanamo missed a chance to make a move up the East ladder thanks to a big Sunday from the Humminas. That’s okay though because well, the East division sucks.
King Felix and Cole Hamels are back but that didn’t stop Peter from getting back on the streamer table for another ride on the roller coaster. This was the first week in some time that Pete’s dice game didn’t come through for at least six wins.
Wintanamo is at somewhat of an impasse. If Felix and Hamels don’t pitch up to their name value, it probably keeps Wintanamo from breaking through the .500 barrier.
As it looks now, the East is likely to have only one team in the playoffs. Whether Wintanamo can be the team that pushes Orbit’s Woody for the division may come down to Witchger’s ability to manage a combustable pitching staff. Or dare I say…. make a trade?
6.) Cubs Mascot Dong (68-77-11, 3rd East)
Last Week: 8 (W 6-4-2 Marvin’s Room)
Let’s clear the air right now, a fuck is a fuck. If you only get two dips into Rihanna’s pocket pie before Mount Vesuvius erupts hot clam chowder all over the unassuming village folk below.. your tombstone wouldn’t say “Here lies Jim, don’t forget he hardly fucked RiRi that one time.” No.. Jim fucked Rihanna and should be celebrated as the legend he is.
Cubs Mascot Dong is a different team with Kluber back. That’s two straight weeks now with an elite ERA and WHIP. There are other contributors there, but don’t underestimate the power of an ace.
CMD has emerged as the top challenger to Orbit’s Woody. A win this week over Sabermetrics would go a long way to legitimize Bobby’s claim to the East title.
5.) Team Sabermetrics (82-68-6, 3rd West)
Last Week: 4 (T 6-6 Orbit’s Woody)
Manny Machado is still hitting under .220. Still not worried, but I don’t see anyone else’s mega-stud struggling to this extreme.
Over the past month, my pitching staff has an unparalleled strikeout to WHIP ratio. Scherzer is a psychopath and I love every second of him on the mound screaming at Padres hitters before he delivers a death slider.
My lineup is stacked with cleanup hitters and it’s showing in my totals. I shouldn’t be dead last in runs. Rest assured this is an issue I will look to mend.
4.) Fighting Moles (81-67-8, 4th West)
Last Week: 5 (W 11-1 Sleeping Monkeys)
15 Quality Starts, a confirmed league record. If I didn’t have my Assistant LM powers taken away after the Jose Berrios debacle, I’d be giving the Moles a big shiny QS trophy. Wouldn’t that be fun?? That is a record that may stand for awhile.
So in addition to setting a league record, the Fighting Moles just ran over the Sleeping Monkeys and it’s brought them all the way back into a tie for the 4th seed. Not to mention Uncle owns both the June NL and AL players of the month (Judge and McCutcheon)… It’s a good time to be a Mole.
Going from the literally Sleeping Monkeys to the juggernaut that is Orbit’s Woody this week should be a good test for the Fighting Moles.
3.) Orbit’s Woody (74-69-13, 1st East)
Last Week: 3 (T 6-6 Sabermetrics)
Last Thursday was rough. Kevin and Orbit’s Woody only hit .295.. his only day last week under .300. After Monday at about 7:15 Eastern, I never had a chance in any batting category. And now Freddie Freeman is back.
Orbit’s Woody is a fearsome matchup. Masahiro Tanaka’s recent dominance has given the pitching staff hope for a turnaround.
I continue to believe no one else in the East is in the same league as Woody, but Bower’s boys can’t seem to close the door. Things don’t get easier with the red hot Moles in town this week. These are two big time offenses. Bring on the fireworks.
2.) Marvin’s Room (87-60-12, 1st West)
Last Week: 1 (L 4-6-2 Cubs Mascot Dong)
It took just two down weeks for the competition to arrive at the gates. It can’t be understated how big the loss of Trea Turner is. That is almost all of Marvin’s steal production cut down with one errant fastball.
I don’t want to overreact too much, but we’re a week away from shaking up the West division and seeing what three teams come out.
Marvin’s Room had one of the great runs in the history of the rankings and this week’s matchup with Falvey already looks like the top spot may only be a rental.
1.) Dobis PR (85-60-11, 2nd West)
Last Week: 2 (W 7-4-1 Trumboners)
Dobis is on an incredible run. Last week’s 7-4-1 win over the Trumboners makes it 8 wins in 9 weeks, the only loss coming in a tight 5-6-1 decision to the best team in the East. There is nobody hotter right now and no team more deserving of the top spot.
Last week, Dobis did what I couldn’t do, leaning on their aces to beat the Trumboners at their own game. Very impressive. 17 home runs was no small feat either.
And so for now, we have a new #1 team in the rankings for the first time in nine weeks. Another strong week against Wintanamo and we might have a new top dog in the West..