Tier 1: The Favorites
The honorable Democratic Republic of Afghanistan’s final ruling against last year’s champion accomplished a few things:
Bob will start his season locked into 3 of the top 10 talents on the board. No one else touches that firepower. If I have 3 blue chippers in the stable before Hilger even sings the national anthem.. there’s no time for depth, I’m building the fucking Death Star. Loved grabbing Aaron Rodgers before the upper deck of QB’s left the shopping list.
Draft values faded down the stretch but even with questions at the other starting slots, there’s a reason Booby Irish is the only team projected for triple digits Week One. Lost in everyone’s heroic stand for a rule that doesn’t have the legal integrity to hold up in a third grade student council meeting is the incoming reality that you probably created a demogorgon in the Public Pool Division.
This year’s version of Booby Irish brings back memories of the Team Young that rolled to the championship in 2013. There’s a chance Booby doesn’t look back after the first week.
Draft Grade: A+
Projected Finish: 9-4
Without a doubt Otter’s best draft in years. Allen Robinson is up there with David Johnson as the best deep round keeper. When your flex options are Lesean McCoy or Doug Martin, you expect to be limited elsewhere. That isn’t the case with this roster. All Demaryius Thomas and John Brown have to do is provide WR2 production this year for Ottrox to be formidable. Take that bet.
If Otter doesn’t turn into Sonny Weaver from Draft Day and deal Lamar Miller for a third round pick two weeks in, this could be the year studies finally prove the benefits of marijuana in sports. Don’t let me down Andrew. Seriously. Don’t let me down.
Draft Grade: A
Projected Finish: 8-5
Time begins the healing process of wounds cut deeply by oppression. We soothe ourselves with the salve of attempted indifference, accepting the false pattern set up by the collective assumption of unclear BCG laws. – Rosa Parks
Since pegging Thomas Rawls as my wait and see Keeper, I have been forced to watch Rawls’s stock drop from potential RB1, backed by 2015’s most efficient per attempt resumé, to now being called the lesser resident in a timeshare with Christine Michael. All the while an angry mob of righteous delegates threatened to secede from the league should the defending champion be permitted to alter one of his hard earned keepers.
There’s another system of unwritten rules that set a standard for minority oppression. Maybe you’ve heard of Jim Crow. Oh, you didn’t hear us say a rule we didn’t actually say that could very possibly decide your whole season? Wait..you’re upset about it? Someone get Marve on the phone, I think he’s actually going to jump. Time will heal the wounds but don’t think I have forgotten the names of everyone who put their head down Saturday and voted for their own self interests.
Now here I am at the back of the bus, Timeshare Tommy Rawls the one holding the key to my season. My draft mission was clear: Win at receiver. AJ Green, Keenan Allen, and Sammy Watkins give me three wideouts with WR1 potential, albeit carrying varying degrees of risk. Melvin Gordon falls to give me a strong sleeper RB2 insurance. Donte Moncrief went way late and is someone I view as a future every week WR2 with massive upside. Willie Snead is the only player on my roster that may not garner trade interest after a big week, however uninformed that reason may be.
RB2 is the only real question mark and waiting in the wings is a possible top 5 running back should Christine Michael fail in his fifth shot at fantasy relevance. Talent all over the board. A deep roster with trade flexibility. The league tried its best to assassinate the throne but the champ is back and never been more motivated.
Draft Grade: A
Projected Finish: 8-5
Tier 2: The Contenders
(4) King Purdle
Cam Newton and suspended Tom Brady, huh? That strategy sounds familiar. I’m flattered, just hope you have better luck picking one to ship. Purdle’s draft is a think piece on how beneficial it is to have safe later round keepers. There aren’t really any holes in this starting lineup.
The more I watch Zeke Elliott, the more I believe he is going to be really special. As long as Steve can keep him away from the buttsack, he’s well worth the high pick. Really like CJ Anderson as one of the stronger flex plays. What a trade package that would be with Cam or Brady.. Even at TE, Poidle is going to have an advantage against 90% of the league. The only really notable leak to watch for is at receiver. I’ve had a year of injured Brandon Marshall. It wasn’t fun. And then you have Doug Baldwin who built most of his value on 14 TD’s last year. If I had any money, I put my house down on the under this year and feel really good about it.
The bench isn’t strong in terms of immediate production. I really wanted to see G Reg grab Tevin Coleman. We won’t have a true grade for Stove until we see what that Tom Brady foray turns into. As it is now though, we have last year’s number one seed looking poised for a run at redemption.
Draft Grade: A-
Projected Finish: 7-6
(5) Timmy Two Times
Go back and look at Leveon Bell’s ESPN team pic and you’ll see why he isn’t playing the first three games this season. That man smoked three blunts and then forgot it was picture day.
As with most Tim managed teams, the expectation is that the final product usually ends up looking much better than the outfit rolled out for Week One. Julio and Jordy have a chance to finish as the best duo in the league. Leveon comes back Week Four, until then we get to see if Demarco or Arian Foster has any life left.
There are two realities here. If either of the former first round running backs hit, Tim leaps into the next tier with Bell. If they bust early, Tim will be forced to hunt for both an RB2 and possibly a reliable Flex. The first scenario being more likely.
We all know Timmy Two Times likes to roll the dice. Flex will be a gamble with Tate and Desean – although count me in as a DJ fan this year. There isn’t another player ready to produce on the bench if needed early. Don’t be surprised when Tevin Coleman ends up being a keeper.
Easiest schedule in the league for the 5th year in a row.
Draft Grade: B+
Projected Finish: 7-6
(6) Pinch and Roll
Air Raid 2.0 has been revealed. There’s a chance Roger ends up with more top flight pass catchers than he knows what to do with. That’s a good problem to have if you know RB is going to be a liability.
Hilg has done well to patch up those shortcomings with a wooden raft full of Week One starters looking to prove they are worthy of long term roles. This makes the first three weeks of the season incredibly important in shaping Hilger’s future outlook.
In short, no one needs a big first week more. One flashy audition is going to be the difference between playing Week Two with two legitimate starters and spinning the touchdown roulette between three RB’s every week. My money sits heavily on Hilger to pull the first trade.
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Record: 6-7
Tier 3: Boom or Bust in their pants
(7) Team Young
All the keepers made drafting in the 10 spot a tough draw. Brent’s name getting stuck in the draft randomizer is up there with David Stern freezing the Knicks draft card to put Patrick Ewing in Madison Square Garden.
It didn’t help to go in with one of the lesser keeper pairs. This led to some understandable reaching. I’m not talking about Dez and Lacy, those were necessary risks. I still have high hopes for Dez as a TD monster. And P90x Eddie Lacy has to be at least 10mph fast than Dunkin Donuts Eddie Lacy.
I’m in on Randall Cobb back in the slot. If Cam Newton doesn’t replicate his rushing touchdowns, Johnny Stew gon eat. If Kelvin gets in shape and becomes the red zone magnet he was his rookie year, this is a roster built to score 6 in bunches.
I predict highs and lows for Team Young. I see a team that needs to cross the goal line to put up points – Phil Simms. A promising bench can put Team Young over the top. The gap between 7 and the pack is very little.
Draft Grade: B
Projected Finish: 6-7
(8) Dubbs & Hugo
Not a chance Dubbs reads this but we’ll do it anyway.. You showed a lot of heart here, Sean. Considering the expectations, it’s just a relief to see we can your head back in the game for an hour.
I’m in the minority on Alshon. I think he’s primed for the top 10 year we’ve been waiting for, most injuries are mental anyway. Expect Amare to blossom into something special this year. AP is what it would look like if Jessie Owens and Seabiscuit had a kid. My biggest issue is the Bortles pick. Think you get way more value adding depth at that spot. One injury and I worry about the Dubbs franchise turning back into a dumpster.
Travis Benjamin is is one of my favorite late round picks. Depth is an issue but if Matt Forte turns out to be the bell cow his name would suggest, Big Ben’s Penis is going to be overlooked. As a fantasy god fearing man, I am a firm believer in the new girlfriend curse. We saw it happen to Bower this year in baseball. They are a vengeful group. My advice would be to let her down easy and start avoiding her calls on Sundays. Good luck this year Dublin.
Draft Grade: C+
Projected Record: 5-8
Tier 4: Shirtless Macduff
(9) Hung Like a Horse
Pete and I borrowed a page out of the Cleveland Browns draftbook this year – taking pulls of whiskey every 300 seconds until you have all your niggas under the same roof.
I should preface this review by paying homage to the Witchger Miracle last season. Nobody starts the season 1-6 and makes the playoffs much less the Title Game. All those Sunday’s in church add up I guess.
As improbable as last season was, a run this year is going to be more difficult. Jamaal carries the torch as the only elite talent on the board. And he won’t be at 100% for a few weeks. It’s not a bad roster structurally. There just isn’t the high end upside you look for in a true contender. In other words, Gary Barnidge.
RB won’t be an issue. WR’s aren’t flashy but their production floor is high. Unfortunately when your niggas include Danny Woodhead it’s easy to set a less than optimistic season projection.
Draft Grade: C-
Projected Finish: 4-11
Easy pick here. I’m not expecting to draft well when my closest advisor is a drunk shirtless Sean Macduff. And it couldn’t have been easy drafting over Skype. We could have used you in the Minnesota Wilderness, Witchger had to use his built up testosterone to bully Marve. That said.. I can’t see the real order so I don’t know if was the keeper selections or Macduff’s balls but holy shit, it’s going to be another long, cold winter for Team Wags.
It’s hard know where to start. Waggoner’s keepers end up actually being a detriment in the draft. For a good amount of time, it felt like Macduff was just drawing names out of a hat. I looked for Latavius Murray in round 5 only to find him at the bottom of the 2nd round next to Grant’s name. I think Justin Forsett got cut and resigned by the Ravens mid draft. Forsett is somehow higher on Waggoner’s depth chart than he is on the Ravens RB committee. Haha think about how ridiculous that is for a second…
Could easily turn this into a roast of a respectable man but we can save that for another week when the L’s start piling up. There are just too many stacked teams this year for the team with Matt Jones and Justin Forsett not to go go 3-10. On the bright side, only 12 months until next year.
Draft Grade: F+
Projected Record: 3-10