10.) The Mouth (0-9, 5th Country Club)
Tarrell came into the draft more confused than my sweet grandmother when the mailman walks by. Fast forward to week 10 and not much has changed. The league’s rectum finds himself winless, scoring less points than Witchger on a spelling test.
Tom has made done what he can to make this team better. I will give him credit for some good pickups and savvy trades. It speaks well of Tarrell to see that projected total slowly creeping up into the 80’s.
0-9… Four weeks away from history. God only knows what kind of evil thoughts must be going through Tom’s head right now. I know he sees me in contention.. Another Witchger trade would be too obvious but if he gets bored enough, you never know how far he’ll go to feel relevant again. Need to talk to Katie about getting the noose around his wiener loosened a little until after the trade deadline.
Leveon Bell looms large. He’s now been spotted in a Pittsburg YMCA and has a week to report to the team before his season is wiped out. He serves no purpose on this roster. Tom matters for at least a few more weeks. Get the popcorn ready.
Playoff Probability: Poop Emoji
9.) The Don (4-5, 3rd Public Pool)
Ever since Bob drafted Odell back in 2016, we’ve seen back to back promising rosters struck down by injuries and bad luck….. Coincidence? Nope. I put a curse on him.
Anyway, the big news is week is Bobert trading away his stud running backs so he could finally start Derrick Henry. Yes, he did land Alvin Kamara in the process, an elite keeper for one more year, but no one except Peter would argue The Don is a better team now. My thought is, you’re 1.5 games back… You have a talented lineup… Why not see how things shake out this week at least before selling your top two RB’s and two upper tier receivers for two guys on a Bye? Especially when you consider that this week is essentially a must win.
With a win this week and a matchup with a weakened Dubbs waiting next week.. It’s very possible Barrell enter Week 12 in a prime position to prove the whole world wrong.
Playoff Probability: 19%
8.) Homeward Bound (4-5, 4th Country Club)
Hey, Grant. Hope you’re having a nice poop, bud. Where ever you are.
I know fantasy football sucks. Trust me, I’d complain about it all day if I could. Am I right Wags?? Man do I love to complain. Almost better than winning even!
Since 2015, you’re 22-25-1. The Jeff Fisher of the BCGL. Let’s just do a quick rundown of your best running backs the last four seasons.
2015: Marshawn Lynch, Arian Foster – Played in 9 games combined.
2016: Latavious Murray, Rob Kelley, Legarrette Blount – Meet Grant’s best team during this span.
2017: Demarco Murray – Rushed for 659 yards and six touchdowns.
2018: David Johnson, Carlos Hyde, Lesean McCoy, Philip Lindsay – DJ, traded. Carlos Hyde, traded for, became a handcuff. Lesean McCoy, traded for, has herpes. Phillip Lindsay, top 15 back off the wire, good job there Wags.
It’s a tough road ahead for you, Grant. Every matchup from here on out is against a team with a winning record. You’re scoring points so there’s hope there, but keep your eye out for opportunities to sell and upgrade your keepers.
If you ever need someone to complain to, just know I’m always here to listen and then make it about me.
Playoff Probability: 12%
7.) Dalvin and the Shit Clumps (3-5-1, 5th Public Pool)
What a performance by Dion Lewis on Monday Night to bring Dalvin and the Shit Clumps all the way back to tie Uncle Diesel. A win would have been even better, but a tie at least keeps Dubbies in the race. I know that one was sweet too against the Bearcats.
Dubbies and I share something very special.. We’re carmel kids. The cream of the crop. Heck, who needs a country club when there’s a monthly gathering of milfs right down the street. This is truly the land of milk and honey, and if it were up to me, I’d build a big wall to keep the Tom Farrells out.
Sony Michel is back and not a moment too soon. If Sean can find a way to survive this week.. shit nevermind, sorry. Next week gets even harder with the Patriots and 49ers on a Bye. Good luck to you my friend.
Last thing – stop chasing rings and come home to play with your friends on the 09-10 All Star team. There are at least 8 threes a game with your name on them.
Playoff Probability: 13%
6.) AAron’s Bad Knee (4-5, 4th Public Pool)
King Purdle, Donald Trump and Stormy Daniels’ demon spawn, is back for another season. This Sean Hannity wannabe hot air balloon will black out, poop his pants, and the next day argue with a Walmart greeter for 7 hours that it was strategy.
Alas, fantasy football is a built game for even the mentally weakest among us. All Purdle has to do is check his team once a week and…. and Purdle just started a player on his bye week…
Purdle when he doesn’t start a kicker but Aaron Rodgers still bails him out in the last minute:
Why the good lord continues to reward MAGA I’ll never understand. I still haven’t heard Steve apologize for being a white male one time, and yet Marcus Peters blows his coverage with three minutes left, letting Michael Thomas jog 70+ yards to win the week. Thomas even tried to call Purdle from the endzone to celebrate but no surprise, he didn’t answer.
Going forward, Steve’s Bad Cell Phone Signal needs to do some introspection. He’s still very much in it, but is this a championship level team? Is being on the same side as TJ and his meme cult the right move? My answer to both questions is no, definitely no.
BREAKING: Sleepin Steve has just traded a receiver for another receiver. Donnie Deals always stays three steps ahead.
In a perfect world, I will have lit a fire under Purdle and his participation grade will go higher than ever before. The league is better when Purdle is charged up and pontificating sweet nonsense like Tucker Carlson after a couple michelob ultras. I’d like to see King Purdle avoid the fate of many kings before him who got fat and lazy on the merits of one title.
But that doesn’t happen until Purdle gets real about his receivers and Isaiah Crowell.
Playoff Probability: 26%
5.) Burkhead’s Hurt Neck (6-3, 3rd Country Club)
And with the first overall pick.. Mackenzie’s Dad selects…. Saquadzilla Barkley, the most freakish athlete we’ve seen in the last 5 seasons at a position dominated by genetic lottery tickets. Special day that was for Witchgers born and unborn.
Now for some analisis.
In the span of a week Witchger threw in the white flag picked it up to wipe his mud butt and then traded Kamara for a kings ransum. Commissioner jabber jaws wasnt too happy about that one. As they say though water always finds its level on this pancake earth and purdle doesnt vote unless its to keep mexicans out of his country.
Well Burkheads neck is still hurt but its thursday now and peter is good again. Melvin Gordon and Mixon are a nice addition to Saquons team. Plenty of time for more trades too. Im sure somebody out there really wants trequon smith peter just needs to find them.
Ring ring. Hello? Ya Tom its Peter. Its time for you to give me all your best players for trevon smith….. Kk thanks your a good boy and im a good manager.
Playoff Probability: 47%
4.) Mole Hunters (5-4, 2nd Public Pool)
Otter, Grant, you’re going to want to cover your eyes here.
Get this… you guys won’t believe it. If I played everyone in the league every week, my record would be 57-24! I’ve scored over 100 points 7 of 9 weeks, with a low of 89 in Week 1. Twice missing high point by ten yards or less. 5-4 is nearly the worst possible outcome for the Mole Hunters. Do you feel bad yet? No? Remember Odell?
Wait, there’s more.. I’ve dropped James White, Marlon Mack and Calvin Ridley, and traded Aaron Jones in a package for Royce Freeman. That might look bad, okay it’s bad, but still, James Connor, Nick Chubb and Tarik Cohen remain testaments of my intellectual superiority.
The road to the playoffs isn’t easy. My closing schedule includes four playoff hopefuls. Leveon’s return combined with Tom’s straining grip on reality could put my title dreams in jeopardy.
All I can do is play it week by week baby. See you Sunday, Dubbies.
Playoff probability: 46%
3.) Have Only Beat Shithead (5-3-1, 1st Public Pool)
Ahh Brent, my good frenemy. What was I.. #9 in your rankings two weeks ago? Seems like a real baby ruth thing to do considering my record and performance at the time, don’t you think? Oh well. No big deal. Hey though, how’s the Bearcats’ undefeated season going? I went to bed early and don’t have access to internet or news.
Despite what his very creative name suggests, Brent has actually beaten a few shitheads lately. Even with last week’s tie, this is a team that hasn’t lost in over a month. But I don’t want to bury the lead.. The Moles are a straw man!
First of all, let’s be honest with ourselves, any team with Todd Gurley is going to be good. We’re witnessing the greatest fantasy season since Ladainian Tomlinson, put any decent roster around him and you’re going to win games.
Problem I have is, other than Gurley, there isn’t another top 10 guy at any position. This leaves the Moles vulnerable to unfavorable matchups. Maybe Leonard Fournette changes that, more than likely not.
Unlike the Hilgers and Peter, Brent isn’t a trader. That’s trader with a “d” this time for the IMWT alumns. Seeing that he’s chosen to load up on QB’s and Defenses, we can safely say Uncle Diesel is hunkering down, content to fight it out with his players one week at a time.
Keep an eye out for a possible division deciding matchup with the Mole Hunters in Week 11. A new mole skin would keep me warm for a whole winter.
Playoff Probability: 48%
2.) Mecha Ottrox 5000 (7-2, 1st Country Club)
The year is 2032. It’s nearly winter now, the maple trees surrounding the Hilger cabin are still full with bright gold leaves but they get more bare with every gust of wind. Inside, we see a woman noticeably bearing child and her two gender neutral, curly headed children huddled around the fireplace.
“Mother, where is Papa?”, the oldest, around 9, asks the woman.
“Peyton, it’s Sunday. Where do you think your father is?” She answers, without turning from her vegan cookbook.
The boy/girl nods and looks longingly at the locked basement door.
Past the locked door and down the basement stairs we see a curly headed man covered in chips, fully reclined in front of a large television, the walls covered in random art pieces. Next to him there’s an open gatorade bottle, it’s lid fashioned with a nest to hold marijuana. The man leans over to clear the last whisps of smoke. He coughs loudly.
In the chair adjacent is a red haired man. Startled by the coughing but subdued by his own milkshake adventure minutes earlier, the ginger sits up in his chair and rubs his eyes.
Joey: Dude…. I’m so baked right now… Holy shit dude.
But the man with the curly mop doesn’t hear his brother. That last hit was bigger than he expected and he’s already left the Earth’s atmosphere. Lost in his own mind, his hands firmly gripping the armrests of his chair… One of his earliest doodles catches his eye from across the room.
Is it… looking at me? He shakes his head and he laughs to himself. Wow, I must be pretty high…. Still, he checks again just to be sure.
Weiner guy: Heyyya Otter!
Otter: Hey… Otter looks around, not sure what to make of the talking hot dog. Who are you? Is this…. this can’t really be happening.
Weiner: I’m your conscious Otter, hehe! Remember when you accidentally killed that girl in your dream? That was real! We need to bury the body before anyone finds it.
Otter: WHAT really?!?
Wiener: Nah man, you’re so high lmao.
Wiener: Yes my name is Dick and I’m here to talk to you about your fantasy football team.
Wiener: Yah! You’re doing a super duper job! You’re like the anti-purdle, always hunting trades and trying different roster looks. Consider me a big fan of your work. The return you got from your Alvin Kamara trade really has you looking like a wiener this year, tehe sorry. It also doesn’t hurt to be 7-2 and the league’s highest scoring team, of course. Pretty neato!
Otter: Thanks little buddy, that’s really nic..
Weiner: Shut up I’m not done. You’re running back situation is tenuous. If Marlon Mack’s foot flares up again, you’re going to be in trouble. Mark Ingram should be dominating the red zone, but he isn’t and that worries me. Speaking of feet, AJ Gruughhhh.. without warning the hot dog vomits mustard all over himself.
Otter: Wait.. are you drunk?
Wiener guy: ………..
Otter: You’re drunk aren’t you..
Wiener guy: You’re drunk!
Playoff Probability: 91%
1.) Butter Kareem (6-3, 2nd Country Club)
The I Can’t Believe I’m This Buttered Stat of the Day of the Week: If Joe had started the Vikings Defense like he should have, he outscores Tom’s first three weeks 173-165.
Rest easy Hilg, it wouldn’t have been the record. That belongs to 2016 Hilg and this lineup:
Spencer Ware! Remember and honor your forefathers, Butter Kareem.
I have Butter Kareem at #1, not because of his commissioning, as Hilger’s anger has disqualified him from the supreme court, but because this lineup rolls out five position payers consistently top 10 plays at their position week to week. And that’s excluding Cooper Kupp, a top end WR2 and arguably the most underrated player in fantasy.
That folks, is firepower.
Hilger fell apart last year, but it appears with the Chiefs Bye falling on Tarrell week, this year is destined for a different ending. Could this be the year the BCGL’s Tony Romo finally raises a trophy?
Playoff Probability: 68%