IMWT Power Rankings: All Star Break Edition

10.) Marseille Mmmmalvey’s (55-117-8, 5th East)

Let’s look at a replay of last week:

Bear punch

It’s a lost season for Big Bear and the Malvey’s, but the rising young star of the democratic socialist party still has moves left on the board.

The most obvious play would be to trade Josh Donaldson to a contender in exchange for young keepable talent. Donaldson is set to be a first rounder next year and is no longer a justifiable selection that high in the draft. He currently brings little value to the Malvey’s but could be a nice get for one of the many fringe playoff teams looking bats down the stretch.

Fire up the gravity bong Matthew, let’s see what fun you have in store for us the rest of the way.

9.) Cubs Mascot Dong (63-107-10, 4th East)

Let what happened to Cubs Mascot Dong be a lesson to everyone. Bobby Network got reckless and caught the hand, foot and mouth disease from little brother. That folks, is why you should always shower after a trade with Tom Farrell.

CMD isn’t done either, I have no doubt about that. Trading may as well be heroin for a married man. And while I have no idea what Bob is going to do next, I can promise it will be exciting and possibly contagious.

8.) Sleeping Monks (80-94-6, 5th West)

When everyone else is having fun but Tim isn’t getting enough attention.


Tim Jong Un is on the edge. Another bad loss and it’s possible we could see the Sleeping Monks turn towards nuclear war.

It’s no secret Tim Jong has been testing missiles for the last few weeks; sowing unrest amongst the league’s more volatile members.

“The keeper rules are stupid!”

“Hizer rigged the schedule!”

None of these things are true of course, but it only takes one owner to run with the bait before a non issue turns into 100 texts before lunch.. We can only assume that Katie has hidden the key to his weiner cage and the IMWT group chat is the only place Tim gets to feel like he’s in control.

Where were we? As it is now, the Sleeping Monks don’t have the pitching to compete with IMWT’s elite. They are dead last in Wins, ERA and WHIP. Shocking really considering the expectations in the preseason.

Yu Darvish isn’t the answer to the Monks problems either. The answer was Clayton Kershaw!

It’s kill or be killed for Tim Jong Un and the Sleeping Monks the rest of the way. First up, the roommate Mr. Mole himself.

7.) Donald J Trumboners (82-95-3, 3rd East)

By now it’s hard to distinguish Purdle’s behavior from the real Donald Trumboner. Did Pres Trump blackout last weekend or was that Purdle? Turns out they both did, and at least one got peed on. I’ll let you figure that one out.

Congratulations to the Trumboners for making their 20th transaction last week, passing last year’s total in Week 15. If the IMWT was Home Advisor, Purdle would be looking for a new league before May 1st.

Donnie J had a good week pitching so it looks like we’ll have to wait another year for a Trumboners trade.

The Trumboner’s are the old antique store owner losing money every month, but still refusing to add a way to process credit cards because they are afraid of the witches who run the internet. Truly, it makes that much sense.

6.) Marvin’s Room (85-87-8, 4th West)

checking watch

Hey Marve, where are you? I’ve been in the playoffs for over a month now lmao.

While I expect Marvin’s Room to catch Witchger, it will do some serious damage to their legacy and potty mouth if they don’t.


5.) Ohtani Taco Yel (95-76-9, 2nd East)

Witchger on his way to the playoffs:


I’ll just say it flat out. If Witchger makes the playoffs with this roster, it will be a greater miracle than anything Mother Theresa ever did.

Ohtani Taco Yel has arguably the weakest keepers in the league, yet controls its own destiny for the 4th seed three fourths of the way into the season. Where is that investigation?

Really though, please make the playoffs Witchger. If only so I can slap you and Shohei Ohtani around with my dangle for two weeks.

4.) Dobis PR (93-77-10, 3rd West)

Sabermetrics: “Hey Dobis.. just for fun, let’s see if we can make up a fair trade for Chris Sa….


Dobis freak out.gif

Dobis PR has their butt cheeks clenched so tight you couldn’t get in there with a crowbar. That’s fine though, of course you don’t have to trade your top guys. A little friendly banter is always nice but let’s move on.

The bats have been awesome lately. Peter Francis paid for power in the draft and so far that strategy has delivered.

I hold the belief that Dobis doesn’t have the pitching depth to hang with the next three teams but crazier things have happened in September.

3.) Fighting Moles (95-71-14, 2nd West)


Wilt Chamberlain, Brent Young and Magic Johnson pre-AIDs walk into a biker bar…. Who’s bringing home the most tuna?

……If you said Brent Young.. congratulations you’re moving onto the prize round!!! Legend has it they’re building a Diesel statue outside of the planned parenthood in Bloomington as we speak.

After hours of strenious research, I have concluded the Moles are pretty good.

Will they make a trade to shore up their weaknesses? No, probably not. That’s okay though, an Uncle’s love is unlike any other and the Fighting Moles are most definitely playoff bound, flaws and all.

2.) Orbit’s Woody (101-72-7, 1st East)

A week after beating the top team, Orbit’s Woody went toe to toe with the Fighting Moles and whipped them good. You could certainly make the case for Woody to hold the top spot.

In sizing up Orbit’s Woody, the bats are strong. Better than my own, which is difficult to say as a man. Jose Ramirez is perhaps the league’s best keeper in the 8th round.

Not to mention that there are not one but two elite aces on this roster.

Most importantly though, Boner’s team is healthy. Let’s hope it stays that way 😉

Surely one of the contenders will make a big trade down the back stretch. One can’t help but wonder if Woody will be that big baller. Don’t let me cuck you Bower, because I will.

1.) Team Sabermetrics (111-64-5, 1st West)

Nevermind owning four top 15 starting pitchers, it turns out I’ve been getting lucky this whole time. Must be the schedule I made!

Truth is, although my offense has played well, it will likely need a boost at some point. Sabermetrics are a powerful tool week to week but at the end of the day reliable talent is usually going to win out.

Just a shame I’ve been blacklisted. No really. This league is so afraid of me I can no longer get a fair deal on the table.

Guys have gotten so irrational that they wouldn’t entertain a Blake Snell trade after his three straight 7 innings 10+ K games because they didn’t like he was involved in other talks… Boo hoo.

There are at least three to four owners in this league that go to bed every night thinking about me, and then wake up early to check my lineup. That’s how big my dick is in the IMWT.

This week I will look to complete my infinity gauntlet, having already bested 8 of 9 teams in this league at least once.

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