10.) Marvin’s Room (30-60-4, 5th West)
For the first time in three seasons, Marvin’s Room is in real danger. It’s very early, yes, but a 20+ game deficit in the West may as well be Mount Kilauea.
*Marve needs to trade for a bat. A big bat. It’s never easy to part with an ace, but if a move isn’t made soon it will be too late. We’re past the point of waiting on this offense to wake up. Marvin’s Room has pieces to pull it off too.*
*Written before the Kris Bryant trade.
Well, Marve made the trade he needed to, didn’t have to give up an ace, and still got smacked with 11 L’s last week. With guys like Goldy and Rizzo sure to figure things out eventually, and Madison Bumgarner and Alex Reyes set to return soon, Marvin’s Room is going to be really good at some point this season. The question is… will it be too late?
I’m just sayin’, you could do better
Tell me have you heard that lately
I’m just sayin’ you could do better
And I’ll start hatin’, only if you make me
– Bob Farrell voicemail for Byron Buxton
9.) Marseille Mmmmalvey’s (37-56-3, 5th East)
After a strong start, the Malvey’s are decaying faster than the brains of the hosts in Westworld.
There are only three things in this world we can always count on: Death, Taxes, and that Matt Malvey is going to make a blockbuster trade.
Well, we got two of those this year at least. Falvey sent Kris Bryant and his best closer overseas for Kyle Hendricks, a slumping Rafael Devers, slugging .345 in May Kyle Schwarber, and a DH who would get cut a minute later.. I’m just surprised they let all that sexy past customs!
That trade was the Ghostbusters 2 of blockbusters. No one asked for it and the more you think about Melissa McCarthy playing Bill Murray the confused you get.
The Marseille Malvey’s are at risk of another mid-summer washout.
8.) Cubs Mascot Dong (38-51-7, 4th East)
Bob when Byron Buxton is getting slandered in the group chat.
Just when it looked like CMD was going to have an extended stay on top of the East, the Dongers lost three straight matchups and suddenly find themselves 18 games back in the division.
Bob’s troubles are fairly simple. CMD is trying to punt saves while also not vigorously streaming pitchers. That isn’t a winning formula, not when you’re dead last in WHIP.
I want to see Bobby Network live up to his name and start making money moves. Sano and Porcello aren’t getting bites. Time for Bob to sack up and put his balls where his mouth is.
7.) Dobis PR (43-48-5, 2nd West)
No secret now that my not so glowing evaluation of Dobis in the preseason made it’s way way to the office bulletin board where Brian Dozier and Mike Moustakas can spit on it on the way to their cubicle. But after a great start, the last three weeks have brought Dobis back into the red.
Peter Francis deserves a ton of credit for streaming heavily and still maintaining a stellar 1.18 WHIP. As Witchger can attest, that is no small feat.
The injury bug has plagued Dobis throughout Q2, and too many of the healthy bats are slumping to avoid heavy casualties.
Where in the world is Daniel Murphy??
We’ve seen hot starts from this franchise the last two years only to fizzle down the stretch. Right now this has an eerily similar feeling.
Dobis needs to keep finding way to win categories in spite of a depleted lineup. CMD is up next.
6.) Sleeping Monks (42-51-3, 4th West)
Name change alert!!!!!
Creative guy that Tarrell.
Not long ago the Sleeping Monks were so injured, they had no choice but to just leave dead bodies on the field. Still, even without Kershaw and 7 guys on the DL, the Sleeping Monks are competing. Take away an 0-12 and we’re looking at a Keanu Reeves in the Replacements type situation, with the Monks somehow posting a 30-16-2 record since April 23rd.
Right now it’s Mike Trout and the cast of the Grown Ups 2 carrying this team, but sometimes greatness can do things like that for months at a time.
You have to wonder how long this run can last before Tarrell comes back down to Earth. Jesus only brought one guy back to life after all, not seven.
Hopefully Tim realizes that with Marvin’s Room in a deep hole, the 4th seed is wide open. One week at a time Timmy. God’s plan.
5.) Donald J Trumboners (46-49-1, 3rd East)
The Trumboners are loaded on offense in case you haven’t watched any baseball in the last month . My prediction that they would be the best in the league on that side looks pretty good right now.
Mookie Betts is the best player in the league not named Mike Trout. JD Martinez has lit up May. Their .287 team BA leads the league by a wide margin.. SO WHY THE AREN’T THE TRUMBONERS ABOVE .500.
Trade for an ace or two, Steve. Join the modern era of fantasy baseball.
4.) Yels Bells (52-41-3, 2nd East)
There was a time not long ago when Witchger didn’t what the fuck he was doing. But as you can see from his record and number of transactions (51) through 8 weeks this season, the owner of Yels Bells intends to make some noise this year.
While not the most talented team on the offensive end, Bells is finding ways to get it done. My biggest question mark – How is this team at the bottom of the league in WHIP and ERA? If you go heavy pitching early in the draft, you should be dominating those categories. If Bells doesn’t reel in some of those 8 ER streams, those 5-6-1 weeks will start turning into 4-8, 3-9 weeks. Something to keep an eye on.
As it is not, Yels Bells has handed me my only matchup loss so far. Witchger is an underrated tactician when he’s engaged. Two months in and Bells is in a great position to make a run at the 4th playoff position. Would be huge for this franchise and Witchgers everywhere.
3.) Team Sabermetrics (60-33-3, 1st West)
This start feels a little Spurs-ish. Sabermetrics has the best record in the league with a lot of guys struggling.
My pitching staff has been able to carry an inconsistent lineup. Scherzer and G. Cole are off to historic starts, but regression always finds a way.
I’ve been pretty quiet on the trade scene so far. Now that I have accumulated some interesting assets, expect that to change soon.
2.) Orbit’s Woody (57-34-5, 1st East)
If Bower had gone missing three weeks ago and the investigation led to the IMWT group chat, they would have no choice but to conclude that Kevin had jumped off a very tall bridge and subsequently charge Billy Hamilton for negligence.
The last three weeks however, have been a different story altogether, as Orbit’s Woody has ripped off a mind boggling 33-2-1 record over their past 3 matchups. I would say Kevin is having fun again.
After an 0-24 start, Jose Ramirez has gone full superstar mode. Michael Brantley too, not only isn’t get out anymore, he’s hammering everything in the zone with authority.
If you blinked, you may have missed Woody’s ascension. The defending champions look poised to represent the East once again, this time with a whole new cast.
1.) Fighting Moles (53-35-8, 2nd West)
Truth is, no one wants to play The Fighting Moles right now. If it isn’t Aaron Judge or Bryce Harper going off on a given week, it’s Giancarlo Stanton. The odds of you getting the Moles on a week without one or two of the big three posting a 2.000 OPS are not in your favor.
If you manage to steal runs and RBI’s from the Moles, you’re still left trying to contend with 100 innings from a deep, strikeout friendly pitching staff.
There are flaws of course, every team has its flaws. But the Fighting Moles look fearsome in enough categories to deem them ready to contend for another title.