10.) Donald J Trumboners (3-9, 5th East)
Last Week: L 3-9 Cubs Mascot Dong
I suppose this is what I get for showing up to a race track and betting on the turtle.
Preseason rankings are based on how a team looks on paper. Power rankings have performance to factor in. At least that’s my reason for not issuing a public apology today in regard to the Trumboners premature coronation last week as one of the league’s elite ball clubs.
The offense will be just fine, I’m not worried there. The pitching on the other hand is not enough. Even with Price and Cueto looking promising, who else here can we count on for 6 innings night in/night out? I had hoped it would be McCullers, but he isn’t there right now.
The Trumboners don’t have the top arms to guarantee ERA and WHIP, and I have a hard time believing Purdle can thrive swimming in the streaming pool with all the sharks.
I don’t think the Trumboners are the worst team, but they are playing the worst right now. That said, if JD Martinez heats up, that could change in a week.
*Gestures for the bullpen to get Shay warming up*
9.) Dobis PR (5-7, T-3rd West)
Last Week: L 5-7 Yels Bells
Dobis came out of last week’s 5-7 slugfest with a close loss, a few bruises and 25% less hair on his head. It wasn’t a lucky week. Wil Meyers needs to be out there hitting flambongos if the business boys are going to unlock their full potential.
While Dobis PR may have ESPN projections on their side, I remain less optimistic.
A month from now when Daniel Murphy and Wil Meyers are in the lineup, we’ll have better idea ultimately what Dobis can be this year.
Life won’t get any easier this week against the Moles and another 100 innings of pitching to contend with.
8.) Marvin’s Room (4-8, 5th West)
Last Week: L 4-8 Sabermetrics
Good news is, I won’t have to hear another “Sit down Hizer!” until at least Week 19. I’m going to guess this was not the start Marve envisioned.
Marvin’s Room hit an awful .220 last week. Now, I’ll go out on a limb and say Rizzo and Goldschmidt won’t hit .100 this year, but this is a floor we didn’t know was there with this lineup. Not saying it will continue, just something to keep an eye on. 2018 Buxton looks a lot like 2017 first half Buxton 27 AB’s in. Little scary.
Marve lost big in Week 1 last year before going on a two month tear. He’ll look to get another run going this week without Rizzo against Bobby and CMD.
7.) Yels Bells (7-5, 2nd East)
Last Week: W 7-5 Dobis PR
Yels Bells is on pace for 147 wins this season. Let that sink in.
If Witchger is going to contend though, Bells will have to overcome an early curse crafted by Dobis PR. Because with Yelly out, Belly and Seagy are the only things keeping Yelly’s Belly from being held together with spit and scotch tape.
Speaking of sinks, there’s one thing you should expect when you play Witchger this year. He’s going to throw the kitchen sink, the bathroom sink, Dillon Peters, and every other god damn thing with an arm attached to a body and SP eligibility. When you play Yels Bells, get ready for a brawl.
6.) Sleeping Monkeys (5-7, T-3rd West)
Last Week: L 5-7 Fighting Moles
5.) Orbit’s Woody (4-7-1, 4th East)
Last Week: L 4-7-1 Marseille Malveys
Tough loss, but overall not a bad performance production wise. Which is funny because judging by the group text, you’d think Bower went 0 for 1000 last week.
Despite the loss, it’s too early to move Woody down any farther. I’m expecting a nice bounce back this week.
4.) Marseille MMMMalvey’s (7-4-1, 2nd East)
Last Week: W 7-4-1 Orbit’s Woody
EVEN YEAR FALVEY IS HERE.
The Malvey’s put the league on notice, knocking off the league’s defending champ to start the season. A whopping nine players contributed multiple home runs. That’s teamwork.
Week 1 was no fluke either. This offense is the real deal. For the love of God, let Xander Bogaerts come back healthy.
This team is lightyears better than last year’s version. Makes you wonder who eats the majority of Hummina’s 142 L’s from 2017, because it probably won’t be Big Bear.
3.) Team Sabermetrics (8-4, 1st West)
Last Week: W 8-4 Marvin’s Room
Oh you thought my team was shit? We heard that last year too. You know, maybe I know how to do this fantasy baseball thing.
2.) The Fighting Moles (7-5, 2nd West)
Last Week: W 7-5 Sleeping Monkeys
I still have questions about the batting average upside of this lineup, but we can confirm the Fighting Moles feature tremendous power.
Bryce Harper already has six home runs. If teams were smart, he’d be lucky to see another strike this season. That’s how good Harper is. Oh and he’s 6 months younger than Aaron Judge.
The pitching staff has been shaky so far. Keuchel is the only one of the top four to survive 6 innings. Luckily though, the back end of the rotation has been excellent and because Uncle is allergic to saves, the Moles got to 100 K’s last week without breaking a sweat.
As is their trademark, the Fighting Brentcats punt one category. Of course, there are strengths and weaknesses to every strategy. Dobis will take his shot at the Moles this week.
1.) Cubs Mascot Dong (9-3, 1st East)
Last Week: W 9-3 Donald J Trumboners
Cubs Mascot Dong is the 2018 version of Orbit’s Woody, if that makes sense. By that I mean Jose Altuve and Freddie Freeman headline what should be the premier batting average offense in the league.
Like Orbit’s Woody last year, Bobby will likely have to shed a few bats down the road. Until then, CMD has the look like of a winner.