*Editor’s note: bcgfantasysports does not agree with anything written in the first three paragraphs.
HOW ARE WE!!!!!
YOU ALL HAVE GONE UP AND DONE IT AGAIN. TIME FOR POWER RANKINGS UNCLE DUNCAN DIESEL EDITION!!!! GET YOUR POPCORN OUT
Before I dive into the rankings I need to touch on a topic. I love our scholastic and trailblazing columnist Ben10 more than the next person, but when someone can pay $39.00 for an annual subscription to Sports Illustrated (including the soon to be sticky Swimsuit edition) and get your teams favorite sweatshirt (which could even be used for cleanup after viewing said Swimsuit edition) then I know I want at least something weekly out of you Hizemon. I understand you wear a mouthpiece when you play basketball now and are having 2 down fantasy football years so maybe your grit and rebellious attitude is at an all-time high right now. This gives you absolutely no reason to call us “fucking idiots” or say “do you know what the site costs? Shut the fuck up”. I need to touch on this because like you also said, “Par for the course, if it’s not Farrell somebody has to do it”.
This brings me to an alarming point that I need to dig up. Hizer are you trying to build up a bit of a portfolio to show future employers that you have talent in these fields or is this just merely a hobby? I ask because you are good at it. I enjoy discharging my Taco Bell into a porcelain throne while laughing through and enjoying your words, GIFs and videos. But this brings me to my point. This sports media industry is also an industry that I am currently trying to get into so Mr. F****** Idiot, I in a way do know what this effort costs. Do you think I enjoyed driving 2.5 hours to Fremont, IN, not to smoke blunts and open up Bud Diesels for Justin Bieber at Clear Lake, but to broadcast a blowout game between 2 teams my OLMC Cadet team could have put a challenge up to? Or what about going to Gary, IN and looking through bullet holed glass during a broadcast, or driving through the night from Dayton, TN to Springfield, MO in order to broadcast back to back national tournaments or cancelling Halloween weekend plans to broadcast the Soccer State Championship. The result of all of this is that I usually don’t ask for gas money or anything extra and end up sometimes in the end having to pay to broadcast a game. Here is where the kicker is Ben, I was just rewarded the 6A State championship this year, I have been told that my name is floating around the broadcasting world and I have been recognized for my hard work and never say no attitude.
With this hard work, that I spend way more than just Tuesday nights on, I am putting together a portfolio to appeal to future employers because I WANT to. So you ask am I getting down on you because I don’t like you or want to disrespect you, no, am I getting down on you because we play this week in an extremely important week, no (maybe), I am getting down on you because I believe in you. Hell the BCG believes in you! We want to fund your website we want to see you dethrone Matthew Berry.. We WANT you to succeed. So put your nose to the grindstone and create CONTENT CONTENT CONTENT and Make Ben Hizer Great Again.
Now onto the power rankings you fucking idiots.
(These are intended to be fun and light hearted but will contain some attacks those offended can call me and I will explain to them how much I love them.)
10.) Make America GRONK Again (1-9) Week 10 L76-67 vs Hizemon Trophy
“Damn someone died, this time it is Make America GRONK Again’s fantasy football team. RIP”
– Sean Worland
Seriously dubs quit being the grim reaper and show an old friend some love. I miss the days that we used to butter and laugh and have a great time together. You were my DW (Designated Walker) after a long night at the bars, you were my companion to numerous sporting events, you took some snuffs of the booger with me, we saw UFOs together and we even picked up Stambi from his team hotel hours before tipoff vs the Hoosiers to butter our brains out. What happened to that? I used to think you had so much great footage of me ready for us to make some sort of a twisted wild documentary but your recent actions has be thinking instead that footage might be used as blackmail.
Be the buttery Dubbs that I know and love not the sad mean and forgotten dubs that once left me in Bloomington after being my ride home for Christmas break after we just took the same final together that you finished in 30minutes because you said it was hard and the same final I took the full 2 hours on and got an A in the class.
As for your fantasy team… you start WRs that play against NE… Like Tom said last week, you fucked up your season when you soberly took Gronk with your #1 overall pick while having Delanie Walker as one of your keepers. I know that you regretted that decision because you got HAMMERED afterwards including drinking pool water. Give me that Dubbs, Miss you buddy.
I predict 3 straight losses to close the year, and another year that I don’t see you until next year’s draft.
9.) Team Young (5-5) Week 10 L 82-60 to DeMarco Rubio
Make a trade they say
“Brent never trades, he sucks”
“Brent be fun man make a trade”
“Brent loves his players too much”
My one trade this year resulted in me receiving a player who hasn’t played since week 1 and me giving away the #6 RB in all of fantasy. If I would have stuck to “loving my players” I would have the #1, #6, #10 and #30 (on the rise) RB in fantasy football.
I just endured my worst point total of the year after having planned out this week perfect to get a win. Ajayi had a bye week 1 thus should have been on my team in the lineup at flex. Start Josh Mccown they say. Mccown is a top 10 quarterback not only this week but the rest of the year they said. Well he sucks and he sucked for me. Ive thrown better ropes at Bloomington townies while watching a movie on my phone than that geezer did on Sunday, Hes a man hes 38. I must be better.
Deshaun Watson I miss you more than I miss Dubbs
Gotta finish strong to make the playoffs. Come on Brent do it for the Beautiful One, do it for Nelly, just do it.
8.) Booby Irish (3-7) Week 10 L 84-69 😉 to Better Be Wearing Jimmy’s
Ooooooohhhh Bobby Bobby Bobby extension 124 your team has gone down faster than a Backpage Whore. I really really feel for you on your injuries and how they have derailed your season. After your 4th straight loss it is almost as if it is time to make trades for keepers. Hell I can see Bobby’s effort and the desire to follow the NFL dwindle. When faced with an opportunity to go to the Colts game this past Sunday in a FIELD LEVEL SUITE vs a Super Bowl contender he said that he hopes he has to help Mimi and Pipi move out of their house so he didn’t have to go!! I know that those seats vs that opponent would spur some individuals to go Lance Armstrong and donate their Left NUT to go to that game in that setting. The normal man in me was baffled but the BCG man in me saw a loss of interest after Booby Irish continued his inevitable downward trend.
Don’t get me wrong Bob had a fantastic team on paper and I thought he was easily a top 5 team this year with all of the pieces. Injuries derail a good vibe quicker than Mike and Ellen walking into a room unannounced while I’m trying to roll a joint. But if there is one thing that I know about my former roommate is that he still loves to do things even when it seems like he has moved on. Some might think after tying the knot Bobby might stop buttering. Not the case. I have witnessed this man never give up and never surrender. So Bob even though you piss me off by making fun of my lack of health insurance I still don’t think your season is on life support. A strong finish to the season will hinge on who you plug in at QB. Win out and you have an outside shot at the playoffs.
In Mauer We Trust- PS 1031 points against is simply Unbelievable
7.) Demarco Rubio (5-5) Week 10 W 83-60 over Team Young
Lets play a game. It is guess that team.
TeamA- 70L, 82W, 72L, 73L, 80W, 62W, 88W, 46L, 79L, 83W
TeamB- 77W, 66L, 97L, 99W, 98L, 133W, 59L, 104L, 76L, 69L
Team A has yet to score over 88 points in a week and has scored in the 80s 4 times this year with all 4 resulting in wins. Team A has 766 points against and 735 points for. Only the long lost dubs had a lower point total.
Back to the game- Team A is of course Demarco Rubio Mr G Waggs himself. If there is one thing that is true about fantasy sports it is to expect the unexpected. In the end true talent rarely ever wins. Demarco Rubio has ridden the coat tails of luck this entire season. This roster though screams that this season might be over much like another Luck we all know. As a matter of a fact I believe it was Brownsburg’s finest who traded away arguably his best player to get Andrew Luck… Mind Boggling move by a team whose performance has been shall I say mind boggling. Waggs then decides to have the biggest week of the season from his less than sexy first round pick, Demarco Murray. 3 total touchdowns and 25 points later Demarco Rubio saw himself skate to another low scoring rock throwing win. The trek is tough from here on out facing 3 teams vying for the final playoff spot but if there is one thing I know about Grant it is that he really knows how to think on his feet.
I think the only person in this entire group who can send his location of, 3481 McCarty Ln, Laffayette, IN 47905, early evening Saturday, August 26th on an all men fantasy football draft weekend to his girlfriend and still muster up a story valid enough to not get his dick turned down for a year is Waggs. That success of not being outcast by his better half is the equivalent of his week 6, 62-61 victory over none other than you guessed it dubs. But like his tenacity to go after Lafawnda at Danzers on that brisk Saturday evening Waggs hasn’t given up. He pulls out wins quicker than he did during a 30 minute private dance. I just fear that Waggs might be “Gerardi’d” before he has a true chance to secure a playoff spot. For those of you who don’t know Waggs took Lafawnda to the VIP an estimated 3 times. A lot like his 82-69, 80-57 and 88-81 wins, all three trips were dirty and unfulfilling but still wins none the less. That’s what makes me bring up the Gerardi. As Waggs was getting ready to go for another 75-68 win in the VIP Gerardi swooped in and took Lafawnda to the VIP instead. I predict 1-2 the rest of the way… 2 Losses and one more dry hump win for one of my favorite nephews.
Hope to see you soon Waggs… PS I want to see a video from you in your best Brent Young impression saying the Bearcats are a darkhorse for the NCAA championship this year, because they are 😉
6.) Hizemon Trophy (4-6) Week 10 W 76-67 over Make America Gronk Again
For this gentleman you can reference the prelude to this write-up to see my feelings. We gave you 1 job… 1 job this season Hizer and you couldn’t come through. Now I am left here having to type this up while I should instead be watching my brother play his new South Park game that I bought him. All joking aside and back to a serious note, Hizer is a very smart man when it comes to fantasy sports and just sports in general. There is no way I can’t love someone who will break up with light conversation and free pussy for sports. That’s a man’s man! I enjoy texting you and enjoy your insight on all things sports. You really do have valuable opinions and I am happy to call you a friend. The fact that I call you a friend leads me to point out that I would never wish what happened to David Johnson week one happen to any of my friends. The #1 overall pick down before you could even use him. I think this might be a sign from the fantasy gods look down and seeing your lack of content this year on the website in football (insert think-face emoji here).
Seriously though Hizer your team is solid and you will pose a very difficult opponent this week. Your wide receivers are top notch you have a couple of great choices at QB, one of the best TEs in the league (go Bearcats) and then there is your running back situation. I don’t want to frustrate the gods but I bet more weeks than not, if you added up all of your running back total points they wouldn’t be more than a typical, healthy David Johnson week. The injury to DJ and the subsequent hodge podge of running backs will sadly end this relationship with fantasy football this year.. first it was big tits then it was cute haven’t met you blonde then 2017 in Mauer We Trust fantasy baseball league now it is BCGL fantasy football league. That’s more breakups than Purdle on Tinder. Luckily you have Fantasy basketball there to take your 4 inches back down to 1. Looking back on your games this year, a healthy David Johnson would have put you in the mix of championship contenders, but the injury and lack of a trade to resurrect your team will leave you stuck chewing on you brand new mouth piece. Take it hard to the rack Hizer take it hard to the rack.
PS- I still Can’t believe we gave Hizer half of the league buy in for weekly write-ups and still haven’t gotten them. Hey, anything to get everyone all paid out right!
5.) Hung Like A Horse (5-5) Week 10 107-103 over Butter Kareem
Ahhhh my man Mr. Pepe! First off a big big thank you to hosting this year’s draft your performance will surely be one I will never forget. I still have a nice little scar from when you put out a cigarette on my arm. All in good fun right my man! Now onto the fantasy team that has proven to be a grower not a shower am I right? Back to back weeks setting a new personal high in point totals. Color me impressed. I thought you were left to spending all of your time napping with my niece after the week 8 demolition by Team Young where you put up a whopping 55 points (Thanks for the Waggs style win there). But not so fast.
This team is built like a real penis. Hear me out here. Week 1 and 2 are the early puberty days when you wonder what this little thing is and whether you should cut it off or not. Losses by a combined score of 227-133 surely makes you think you should cut that dingaling off. Then all of the sudden it gets hard and you find out it feels good to play with it. That is the week 3 win huge recognition of the schlong 90-72. Then you realize that it is only so good playing with this thing every once in a while. You hear about how people throw that thing in a hole or something like that and get introduced to porn and see how depressing you are that you can’t do that… That’s the week 4 68-60 loss. Then you realize all it takes is a little work and a little strategy to break through and find the right girls that can help you achieve satisfaction. Those are the end of virginity into the college days where that member gets to run wild and free!! See weeks 5 and 6 great wins 82-59 and 75-61. The horse thing is starting to grow wings until college ends and you are back to square 1. See weeks 7 and 8 combined 197-129 losses. Thennnnnn you find the girl of your dream get to it with her for the first time get married and then for the first time get to it with the result of a KID!!! Seeeeeeee… That is Pepe’s season and that is where Pepe sits now. A chance to make the horsecock happy after having the ultimate success he is sitting at a content 5-5 record at the moment.
Will Hung Build on his rock hard week this past week or will marriage and a flaccid future leave Pepe on the outside looking in. Your decision! Huge 3 weeks against playoff contenders lie ahead. Hizer has the lube if you need it. Go Irish
4.) ’16 Co Champ! (6-4) Week 10 112-88 over Bell Me Blazer
I might get some flack for this decision due to the fact that Otter took down the number 3 team *SPOILER ALERT* but I am judging this based solely on full year performance and potential breakdown potential (I Like That). I also slot Otter here because although he is probably the hottest team in the league he reminds me of the creeper guy who texts and texts and texts a girl telling her she is beautiful and telling her how awesome she is and that he has never wanted to be with anyone other than her. The girl finds all of the actions and advances to be flattering knowing that she carries those qualities and that she owns more admirable pieces than the avid texter. But the guy won’t stop so he continues to blow up the girl and eventually get her over for shameless dinner and hangout after the guy insists he will stop. The girl goes knowing the guy won’t stop but she still goes because she likes to be flattered and she knows in the end she will be able to say no if the advances get too far. Then it happens the guy points out one thing that the girl is a little self-conscious about and she folds and says fuck it fine and they get it done. Afterwards the guy is happy he got what he wanted while the girl finds out the next week she has contracted an STD and the guy is still clean.
In this situation I am the nearly flawless girl and Otter is the relentless guy. Otter has texted me the past couple seasons with needless offers and I have said no to nearly all of them then a Thursday night game between the Bengals and the Texans happened and this nearly flawless girls saw her one minor flaw at the TE position when Tyler Eifert went down with an injury. The relentless guy was texting me nonstop that night and finally came through with a shiny compliment of Greg Olsen for one of my better qualities of Mark Ingram because I already had 3 RB I was confident in. The guy (Otter) got his nut, the girl (me) was left with an STD when on Sunday Olsen was placed on the IR before I even got to put him in my lineup. Since then it has been regret and what ifs. I feel used and abused. While Otter has pumped out 5 straight weeks of 99 points or higher, and 4 straight wins I am left scrambling. There is no way the two headed running back monster in Nawlins will keep it up right? We will have to wait and see. Either way always remember that if you face Otter in the championship there is a good chance that he will just split the pot with you so keep that in mind if you play him down the stretch.
PS- Otter I did get your wedding invite in the mail and I have to say thank you and Congratulations. Your invite to me for your wedding was unexpected but it was something that someone else I did expect an invite from did not give me. Food for thought. People don’t forget.
3.) Bell Me Blazer (6-4) Week 10 112-88 loss to ’16 Co Champ!
Hello hello hello my current roommate is coming in at #3 and a STRONG number 3 and roommate he is. Tom has been very hospitable I do need to say that. I have enjoyed his company and he has been more than accommodating. In Tom’s writeup what he said was true. Yes I did clog a toilet on my first trip to the throne as an inhabitant but it was a very confusing clog. I took a big boy during the night… Taco Bell had to be… and it flushed down fine. I woke up and took a pee the morning after and when I flushed the blue colored water (don’t know why it’s blue) rose to near the top of the bowl. I was alarmed and confused. I knew it had to be clogged but it was only water in the pot. I decided I would plunge it anyways so I took my shower and walked out the bathroom to look for a plunger only to be met by my other roommate, John who was standing at the door to walk in and get ready. I was faced with an immediate dilemma and decided hey maybe it wasn’t clogged and went to work. Anyone would be confused in that circumstance. It was clogged and I am sorry. Moving on.
Tom has a great team both on paper and in real life. Russell Wilson is playing at a level that made Kirk Cousins expendable, has arguably the best running back and wide receiver duo in the league toss in a top tier TE and a formidable FLEX to go with two top tier defenses and you have a scary good team. Tom has had multiple high scores and was even able to take me down 108-102 in week 7, take notes dubs and Waggs. Tom has all the makings of a good fantasy playoff team when the Falcons, Seahawks, Vikings and Stealers all play hard down the stretch jockeying for real life playoff position. My roommate might be the only one from the family to make it to the playoff this year so if he makes it I make it. I don’t listen when Tom talks shit about my Bearcats or when he calls me out for going to Starbucks or not going to Hot Yoga with him because he is supplying a roof over my head. A stand up citizen and a budding gambler. Keep throwing the jabs at me because I will not throw them back. Youngs don’t fight.
Tom has a couple of tough games leading up to a happy ending against the worst team in the league. That week 13 game vs scrubbs is like Alabama playing Mercer this week. Work on the fundamentals and get healthy for the championship strtch
PS- Tom has buttered with me every time that I have and I want to give him two claps for that and also let everyone know that he fixed the heat. The kid is making big boy moves ladies and gentlemen. Chew on that mouth piece Ben10
2.) Butter Kareem (6-4) Week 10 107-103 Heartbreak Loss to Hung Like A Horse
Our Beloved Commissioner has himself one crazy predicament. The exact opposite makeup of the Dubbs and Waggs of the world. He is yet to score under 81 and has put up some big time gaudy numners including the 133-72 win week one and the 133-125 loss week six. Just crazy crazy stats. Our commissioner was active this season up to this point. His red hair and ginger attitude led him to rufee Grant’s dring and bait him to trade Brees for a man who can barely throw a tennis ball. Joey also brought out his big charming dick and slapped dubs in the face with it to get Gronk (why does dubs team name still have Gronk in it… COLLUSION). I think that had a little recoil though because Joey we all know that only Hugo can dick slap that face. I like Joey’s team a lot and it is strange how he has been on this free fall. How can one lead the league in points by a supreme margin and be a couple slip ups away from missing the playoffs. Fantasy football is why. It is fantasy football.
If Joey somehow falls from glory and misses the playoffs it would be like Ed Shearan falling and turning into Keenan Cahill. He simply cannot do it. Joey is a success story from small awkward redhead to the fiery handsome ginger stallion he is now. Can he make similar moves and get similar breaks and finish this season strong and make the playoffs. I am in the camp that says yes. I think Kareem is going to put up better numbers, I think Mike Evans will prove he is a top flight receiver with anyone even Michelle throwing him passes. Michelle right? That is her name if I am not mistaken? You know Joey we text way too much for me not to be able to pick her out of a police lineup if it were to save her life and if she has been receiving the lower tomato in her pelvic region for this long I WANT to save her life. So piggybacking off of Tommy last week let me see the one that holds the love of the man that got me to drive to Minnesota and talked me into going to Europe. This is about life Joey this is about more than fantasy football, I can talk to your brother if I want to stay on that level, (love you Otter, text me). I want Joey to finish strong and whenever someone starts a Bengal week in and week out I have to be in their corner. All hail Butter Kareem prove that it takes more than luck to win in Fantasy Football. Be Ed Shearan Joey don’t be Keenan Cahill. Crazy how similar you three look. Crazy.
- Joey you hold a genuine part in my heart as the one Member in the BCG that will actually entertain a discussion about the Bearcats and truly follow them like a real friend. Thanks!
1.) Better Be Wearing Jimmy’s (9-1) Week 10 84-69;) Victory over Booby Irish
Ok now it is time to get to the #1 team in the BCGL the ghost himself Queen Shyanna Purdle. There is a 95% chance that the Purd doesn’t even read this so I am going to keep it short. Congrats on your work so far Purdle and congrats on finally finding a Tinder match that can handle that 90 degree angle you have hidden in your trousers. When it comes back to a follow back on Instagram that is what boggles my mind. In order to accept a request to follow on Instagram you have to open the app and hit accept. IMMEDIATELY afterwards there is an option to request/follow that person back. So in a way in order for your love to not follow back a single member if the BCG she almost has to go entirely out of the way to avoid a simple button she just has to click. Now I will be the first person to understand the difficulty of having a girlfriend who is outside of the BCG inner circle and the chicas who come with it, so I can sympathize and to an extent understand the lack of a rush to throw your new lady into the fire of judgement and gossip that is the BCG, but a follow back on Instagram is a very VERY simple gesture to show hey maybe down the road we can be friends.
As for your fantasy team, Zeke hurts, Freeman hurts, Sanders sucks, CJ sucks. Congrats on holding the top spot in power rankings all year and a 9-1 record with minimal effort but you can only ride a defense a RB and a QB for so long and your drop in point totals is evidence of that. So for the rest of the season and the playoffs… Your fucked. See you week 13
Now back to the phones! 250 calls in one day… say each phone call is roughly 3 minutes due to some of the 10-15 minute calls you mention so an average of 3 minutes per call… that equals 750 minutes of staying on the phone which equals 12.5 hours of NON STOP WORK… You need a break Steve, we are here for you.
DUBBS PROVE TO ME YOU ARE THE DUBBS I KNOW AND LOVE… YOU ARE UP
Uncle Diesel OUT!