Week 9 Power Rankings (Tarrell Edition)

*Editor’s note: bcgfantasysports does not agree with anything written in the first section.

Ahhh. Lets Make ButterCream Great Again..

Finally!! Gone with the days of paying taxes to keep up a website – put the money back in the pockets of the BCG boys and give the creamers their voice back.

First, I propose we return to the good ol days – one man goes, that man nominates the next to the plate, and on we go.

Hizer, we greatly respect and appreciate all of your hard work and dedication through the years, but we have too many prophets in this league, that it would be a shame not to let the lobsters loose.

As for the much talked about “subscriptions,” I must admit – I either had unrealistic expectations for what my membership dues bought me or the terms of agreement were not thoroughly discussed as they should have been. Either way, as Commish mentioned, lack of transparency is bad for business boys.

Without further ado, Timmy time…

Content WARNING: the content that follows may contain fascism, racism, anti-semitism, trumpism, homophobia, etc, that may be disturbing or hurtful to some readers.

HAHA! No one is safe in a Tarrell writeup.. No we go!

1.) Better Be Wearing Jimmys

The record is staggering and it has been some run for Purdle over the past year and a half, but I still find myself questioninh his greatness and dedication.  Nonetheless the run he is on does not need much explanation, and he finds himself with the number one spot, sitting at 8-1. But I have immediate concerns- not fantasy-related. Let me finishing talking about football first. This has been a team that is built for adversity and injury, as his record shows, but Zeke will be down this year, and I am afraid it might cut right into Purdle 2017 coronation. From what I’ve read it is coming this year right? If so, it will be a monstrous blow. I think the suspension has been re-nigged three times now, which is one short of Hizer record for a single Euchre game – I think Hizer record will hold and Zeke will serve his time soon. Onto my off-field concern.. Purdle, are you sure you are done searching for that perfect clam in this big blue sea? Only time shall tell I suppose.. However, what really concerns me is that it takes months for this clam that you claim (who we are introduced to by you posting a kissing picture on Instagram) to even meet a SINGLE BCGL member – still waiting… and dare I mention no followback on Instagram. So far unacceptable behavior, and we deserve at the very least an explanation, because if she can’t get down with the BCG then I can’t get down with her. Come back Purdle – quit playing us BRO!

2.) Butter Kareem

I give the number two spot to Joey Jabber – not so much that he deserves the number two spot as far has fantasy is concerned, but he did some special things as of late.  He realistically belongs 3 or 4, but if my records are accurate, he is the first BCG member to gun down a big buck and that deserves a trophy.. Hizer give him the Big Buttery Buck trophy. Farm to table deserves two claps. As far as fantasy goes, nowhere to go but down Joe. Another fantasy season, another Waggoner trade rape for Hilger – it’s become quite an issue and could we even imagine what Hilger’s teams would do without fresh pickings from Grant’s roster every year. Without that trade our Commish would probably be a bit panicked and have a couple of trade offers on the table..cut it out Waggoner – quit letting Hilger take advantage of you when you are down!! Solid team top to bottom, still waiting on Christian and that DirtyDog Bengal to breakout… Question for both of them – if not now, when? Playoffs is quite certain at this point. It’s now a matter of staying healthy and chasing that points title – the race is starting to heat up! Good luck Joe and tell Michelle hello for me – it’s only been 4 years since I’ve last seen her. Just tell her I already know she has a boob job, so she doesn’t need to keep hiding from me jeesh.

3.) Bell ME Blazer

Only God is to judge me…Tarrell is at 3 and I would say it is a generous 3, but he’s looking for an RB1.

4.) ’16 Co Champ

After not only a high pt week out of the depths of Big Sand, but also a little brother beatdown, I must give Otrox the respect and praise he wants and deserves.  He has hear the word of Joel Osteen Embiid and has decided to ‘trust the process’ – an epiphany it was, and he came to understand you don’t have to trade to win. I believe I went 16 days and 16 nights with a trade offer, until on the 17th day he settled for a blockbuster in getting Pierre Garcon. And Pierre is on the IR for those wondering. Lesson learned Otter said – he suddenly realized fantasy is not that deep. For a second I thought maybe he was already bored with marriage. Wasn’t sure what was going on, but extraordinary amount of work and texts to get a deal done for Pierre Garçon. But hey I don’t hate the player, I respect the hustle and we like that Otter, we like that! Couple pleasant breaks for Otter – shipping the twig whipper-snapper opened a backfield for maybe the best one/two RB punch there is right now. Never did I think Otter would ever come close to sniffing the playoffs this year, but the co-champ is back to prove the experts wrong. Fresh off a marriage, ready to defend his Co-title… Happy marriage Otter and keep up the hard work.. One. More. Trade.. One. More Trade!!

5.) Team Young

The fifth spots goes to our Darkhorse uncle, Uncle Diesel. He was seconds away from a Carson Wentz trade, and lucky for him, and on par for Diesel, his feet got cold.  He was all-in on Deshaun and within hours, down goes DW. We know Diesel and his history of fantasy trades, need I say more… Commiskey has a better chance of sliding into Sexson’s DMs and curving a seaman deep into that meat pocket. Yikes :/

For those that don’t know, Diesel and I now share the same roof. I am happy to welcome a second roommate aboard, but still patiently waiting for him to offer up a butter snack. Just one butter snack – and at this point may as well get a XL cheesy bread for old time sakes. You’re toeing the line Diesel. Especially after I offered up half a Sunday to do some heavy lifting to get your big dick in my house. Diesel, RM2, started his stay in Tarrell’s home with a clogged toilet his first night, which has hampered his rise in the rankings. Just as Team Young performance has improved lately, I expect ,such of the same from Brent as he has pledged to make smarter decisions in his toilet paper usage going forward.

Diesel has two favorable matchups coming up, and I expect him to take advantage to make his playoff hopes much more achievable. I do worry about several tough management decisions on who to start with the current rostered platers, but we all know Diesel will do his homework and make a well informed and calculated decision.  Also, Diesel if you’re going to bring your gf over you can atleast say Hi to your nephew/landlord. I don’t bite – you don’t have to hide and eat meals in your bedroom. As long as we live under the same roof, we are family – we converse with our family and share feelings and do life together. That last playoff spot is yours Diesel, how bad do you want it?!?!

6.) Hizemon Trophy

Ahhhhh my good friend Benton Roosevelt Hizer. This is a sympathy 6th place ranking really. Because in reality, for a boy who knows so much about fantasy, I would feel wrong putting him any lower with the company that would surround him. That is out of respect Ben – I am sure Lynn has told you, “You are only as good as who you surround yourself with.” For a snowflake that gave up girls for fantasy sports, I expect much more. Bottom line Ben.

I know Ben would say he has been bitten by the injury python, but was that by accident? I do not know – the gods work in mysterious ways. Considering all that has plagued this Sabermetric of a boy, I must say, it is an above average team of joes he has been able to assemble with all things considered. I would certainly think Hizer is going to be throwing the kitchen sink and table around before this deadline reaches, but I could also foresee a lot of vetoes to follow any trade that reaches the committee.

Hizer you don’t realize over the years I just do pretty much what you don’t want me to do because I care about you as a person – I feel that you need to get tougher. So I have taken that duty upon myself to make you into a real man. Your wife and kids will appreciate my service some day, trust me. Does David Johnson find a new home this week? What about AJ Green? Or DeAndre Hopkins? Only time will tell, but I am curious if Hizer has made the decision whether or not to start The Rebuild. As we have seen, this team is capable of putting up big points, but like Bell Me Blazer early on, a hot and cold team is a frustrating situation I can assure. Lots of decisions Ben, lots of decisions. Not so easy to sabermetric us uninformed pea brains in football, eh?

I would also like to offer a personal and sincere thank you Benji for founding the www.bcgfantasysports.com enterprise and being a model fantasier for all the little girls and boys of the future generations. True trailblazer. We all fail to realize the time and energy you put forth to make us as great of a league of butter boys as we can possibly be, so for that I thank you, son of Cresswell, the founder of Kraft single cheese soup.

7.) Hung Like a Horse

And here we have the fertile horse cock himself. Could probably be a spot or two higher, but nonetheless it is a respectable 4-5 record that gives him a fighting chance for that last playoff slot.  A solid lineup all around, but the unfortunate injury to Discount Double-check has greatly diminished the elite value of Jordy, and made him a tough start week to week. It does make me a bit happy I didn’t keep Mr Mr as a 10th rounder though – I do love me a nice, white, good-looking, American-flag standing, respectable receiver of the football in my NFL. Anyhow, lots of possible trade pieces and I could see Witchger shaking and baking up the roster if the right offer presents itself. Very Very important matchup with Red up next – could very well determine if Witchger will be dancing, or will Hilger be able to tranquilize the horse doogie. I’d like to watch the Butter Kareem free fall continue, so I am pulling for Hung this week. Now that baseball is over, Witchger needs something to sit up and watch late at night while his family sleeps and he sneaks out for some dip to go with his sports. Big weekend upon us – Go Irish!

8.) Booby Irish

If there has ever been reason to talk about fantasy and how it is simply a game of matchups and luck, Booby Irish would be exhibit A this year. Booby Irish has put up the 4th most points in the league to date, yet finds himself at 3-6 with a formidable matchup against Tortuga up next. Even with losses to two of the bigger stars in football, he has still been able to keep stride which is rather impressive – but he is hanging on to his playoff hopes by a thread. I don’t think he wants John the slug putting the last nail in his coffin, but it will take but anything shy of a miracle and a Zeke suspension this week I recon. If Purdle had any kind of heart, the least he could do this week is offer his good friend an anniversary present and let him survive one more week on life support.

The more I think about it, I am starting to see a trend here. Bob got a Booger, Dubbs got a Hugo, Witchger got a MacKenzie – all the teams are having issues competing. Food for thought. But if there is anything we do know, it is that they do not call him Bobby Network for nothing. I expect some heavy blockbuster trades to be thrown around in the near future. Bobby Network may need to look to the future and flip his franchise as he did in baseball just months ago. On to week 10 and he is thin to win! Happy 1 Year Anniversary brother!

9.) Demarco Rubio

As many have pointed out a time or two, it is quite hard to believe this team is 4-5 only scoring 652 POINTS on the year… As Bobby has been on the wrong side of matchups this year, it has been the exact opposite for Windy City Waggs. Just don’t see a true elite player on this roster and this record is more baffling to me than Hizer wearing a mouthguard to play basketball. Yes, Hizer now wears a mouthguard to play basketball – “it helps him absorb contact.” You’re off subject Tom! But yea, Grant believe it or not, technically still has a chance. I know you’re use to being done at this point in the season, but don’t throw in the towel just yet young jedi.

On a side note, I don’t think I have ever played a single fantasy season in which Waggoner has NOT finished in the bottom 3. So this could be an improvement regardless if you don’t make the playoffs. And no I don’t want to hear or see anything about your work league, because I cannot imagine the IQ or amount of bars those kids must be taking per day to allow you a spot at the top. Just remember Waggoner, you just have to get a little bit better every day, and one day you will be where you want to be – believe that! Maybe one day you will be as successful as big brother Kyle. It’d be nice if you’d stay in touch and show your face more often than just the fantasy draft. We are growing older, but we don’t have to grow apart. Just because you live with your gf now doesn’t mean its over – you can still hang with the boys, don’t let her take full control over your life. Still work to be done Waggoner, don’t give up early as you’ve become accustom to.

10.) Make America GRONK Again

Dubbs Dubbs Dubbs.. Dubbie Downer down at the bottom. Because like Trump, Gronk has not made Dubbs great again. But was Dubbs ever great at fantasy football? – thats a valid question. The reporter of deaths, the grim reaper, is no stranger to darkness and doom.  He has found comfort at the bottom for some time now, but will the real Dubbs return from the dead? This team was doomed from the second Dubbs said Rob Gronkowski with the first pick on our beloved Madam Carroll. Just a team full of mediocre players that I worry to combine for 65pts week to week. Honestly, it is shameful a team is that pitiful week after week.  I understand we all have a bad week every so often, but not every single week, every single year… Does Dubbs play fantasy just as a formality at this point or does he actually care and put forth the effort it deserves? He has had several decent waiver pickups lately, and I would LOVE to see Dublin set himself up for the future and do some research into what keepers he could trade for to kickstart the rebirth process. And Dubbs, consider yourself lucky – it is a damn shame we do not have anything in place for the last place finisher in this league. I PROPOSE, if not immediately, we implement something for next year in which the last place finisher shall have to do/eat/fuck something to serve punishment for their pathetic year and effort. I’d like to hear from fellow members on what that think a fair/reasonable punishment for this would be?

BRENT, you’re up next pal.

Phew, apologies to any of those offended in any nature.

GODSPEED my Buttercreamers! Tarrell out

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